THE PSYCHIATRIST, THE HAEMATOLOGIST AND THE PATIENT - 3

I found everything going by so fast I couldn't get a grasp of anything. My mind and mood were not ready for anything. I was regularly sad and not ready to communicate with anybody. That was the week I shut down my mobile internet connection and refused to answer all calls except where I knew I just had to! I was in a terrible state of mind. I honestly have no idea if it was related to the withdrawal symptoms or just one of 'em days that you just hate everything and everyone! I have to say, Dr. A was really not happy I didn't do my assignment! He said I needed to put in more effort so I can be cleared otherwise it would be a set back for me. He added one more assignment; I was to write my daily schedule from when I woke up till when I was going to bed. Yikes!!! My heart plummeted, I am not the schedule type of person! I am the "Fire on the mountain" type of person! I have honestly tried creating schedules for myself to follow but then something always happens and then of course nothing happens *sniggering*! Well, I did as I was asked to do because Dr. A said it was to see if I am functioning well without the pentazocine and see my limits. All good, I thought!

Week 5 and I had VOC (vaso occlusive crisis) by 00:30hrs on Sunday and had to be taken to the A/E of Aminu Kano Teaching hospital, Kano. On getting there, the doctor on call asked what was wrong and my friend told him I am a sickle cell patient. He started writing out the prescription and then I started telling him immediately of my therapy and how I am not allowed to use pentazocine, DF118 or any opioid at all. When he asked why, I told him I was receiving treatment for drug dependence. It was a terrible time for me and oh, I forgot to mention the cause of the VOC was dehydration! Was given four 500ml IV fluids in less than two hours along with diclofenac injection and paracetamol. Doctor M. said he would later give me something to sleep if I kept on talking and he put on a movie for me on his laptop! I get first class treatment even when I'm down!*adjusts veil*

I contacted Dr. A; he said to let him know immediately I have been admitted for any VOC so he can follow up closely in case it gets to a stage where I may have to be given an opioid to ease the pain! Hard life for me, my pain threshold would be properly tested! Anyways, I got better, Alhamdulillah. It wasn't easy and Dr. A kept checking on me and boosting my morale, bless him.... and Dr. M too!!!

On Wednesday, Dr. A was not in seat (he did tell me he won't be in) but I met an equally great psychiatrist, Dr. U. He said we were not going to go deep into details since he was only standing in for Dr. A this once but we still had a good session...so good I broke down and cried! Sometimes it's hard explaining things to people especially when the bothering factors are intertwined; loosening a bit will eventually loosen the whole thing...Dangerous! I just blamed it all on sickle cell *embarrassed sad face*. I hope he didn't find it awkward and I hope he doesn't think I cry in all my sessions too LOL! It was a lovely session! I laughed again!

This could not be happening to me...another VOC; chest, back, upper and lower limbs. It was on Friday 20th September, 2013. I went into the Day Care of Haematology department. You know, I really, honestly believe Dr. A of haematology gave me pentazocine saying "It's a special paracetamol not sold in Nigeria." I love my haematologists!!!
I didn't mention Dr. A of psychiatry explained the classes of analgesics to me when he banned me from taking Tramadol, dihydro-codeine and some other analgesics, did I? *thinking hard* I don't think so. Good! I am thinking of writing something on analgesics that's why I asked.
So, back to the story, my treatment still continues with both haematology and psychiatry. I feel a whole lot better, physically and psychologically. It hasn't been easy but then, nothing good comes easy! The story continues as the journey continues. 

THE PSYCHIATRIST, THE HEMATOLOGIST AND THE PATIENT - 2

Finally (^_^) Wednesday! My second session! Since psychiatry was the only clinic I had, I left home at my own convenience, by noon, which is kind of late! Everyone being ready, the doctor's began calling in patients and I went in. Dr. A asked how the week went and how I was coping. I told him all; it wasn't so bad my only problem was sleep. If I slept early at night, I would wake by midnight and remain so till dawn if I slept late, it would be very restless and I would wake exhausted and angry with just about everything. Then we had a short chat, he increased the carbamazepine dose gave an appointment for the following week and said he would be seeing me weekly for at least five-seven weeks and then depending on how well I have progressed, he can increase to every 2 weeks! Then he gave an assignment, I was to write down whenever I thought of the the drug or felt the urge to take it, the triggering cause and my action.

The second week was hell for me. Every turn I took and saw a pharmacy or chemist, I would want the drug. It was terrible. I thought that week would never end! And sleep was still a major problem for me! I honestly thought I was never going to get through it, the entire week was filled with thoughts of having only one shot of pentazocine. I wasn't going to take another just one! But I had to persevere. I had to find and remember things that would take my thoughts away from this drug! Writing was a way for me to do that and with the assignment, I definitely had a lot to write! Third session sets in and boy was I ever grateful! I was bursting to submit my assignment which had every detail of what and how of my reaction to wanting the drug during the past week.
Me: Good afternoon.
Dr.: How are you? How was the week?
Me: Terrible! It was tougher than last week.
Dr.: *knowing smile* Yes, so did anything happen?
Me: As in, did I take the penta? *laughing*
Dr.: *laughs* yes, that's what I mean. Did you?
Me: No, I didn't.
Dr.: That's good! *reading my assignment*
I proceeded to tell him of my love for writing, telling him I own a blog in which I write about myself and other minor stories. He asks of my educational ambition so I tell him of my plans and he encourages me to go further through social networks, to start a forum for drug dependent/addicts trying to stop. He said I would get people that would judge negatively and those that would judge positively. I told him I could relate to that and then the third session came to an end!
Week three and I can't put my feelings into words; super happy and grateful on being able to restrain myself from getting pentazocine to inject myself! Best part, it was my 30th birthday, 4th September, 2013. And I had every reason to be grateful and over joyed! My session with Dr. A was more of a friendly interactive this time. He asked how I have been feeling so far, what my plans for the future are, how I would react to disappointments and failures... He asked if I was absolutely sure I would never turn back to drugs again if I was faced with similar situations as to what led to my using them in the first place. He asked what would be my mechanism for surviving through hard times... Tough questions I tell ya! They all needed answers but before that, they needed a serious, focused, determined and resolved will power. I needed to be absolutely sure I wouldn't go back on myself. I needed to say what I would back up when and if the need arose!
When I got home, I reviewed the questions again and thought to myself "Fatima, I hope you are really as brave as you made it seem to the doctor!" I need Allah!!!!!

THE PSYCHIATRIST, THE HEMATOLOGIST AND THE PATIENT

So far so good it has been easy on the haematologist  I hope by the time the patient is in dire need of the haematologists help, the psychiatrist would have done a very good job. Being a sickle cell anaemia patient means encountering agonizing pains that could last from a few minutes to weeks which makes it the haematologists duty to find an analgesic that will keep the patient sane enough for a long time. Most of these drugs are either NSAIDs or opioid  These drugs may be used together sometimes or staggered (mixing them up instead of using one the entire period eg; morning dose could be diclofenac, afternoon tramadol and night ibuprofen).

Recently my thirst for want of pentazocine, an opioid, began again! I would rather not go into details of how it started. When I noticed I was getting back to the old habit, I knew I needed help but with that feeling of non-stop crisis, I just wasn't fully ready to face the beat. I went to my haematologist and complained of the pains I had been experiencing and only partially told him of my past dependence/addiction to pentazocine and how I was scared it could be happening again. He prescribed a couple of investigations requiring blood and urine samples and dihydro-codeine (DF118). To be honest the drug worked just as effectively as any other analgesic but in my mind there's this extra efficiency of pentazocine/promethazine when taken! I couldn't help myself I had to find a way of getting a shot of penta/prometh. I did! In fact, I managed to get 2 ampoules! Happy me! That was on a Monday. On Tuesday when I went to give my blood sample, I finally decided to go and see a psychiatrist.

It's a very rare case for a "sane" person to go and report to a psychiatrist in Africa and in cases of drug addiction/dependence it was a miracle if the person went of his/her own free will. It is a very hard habit to break. Lakin... when I found the psychiatry department and went in I met with Dr. A who had patients with him and after the introductions and all, he told me they had clinics on Wednesday afternoons and he would see me there. That was great news I had haematology clinic that same Wednesday morning, so it was perfect!

I had such a long day, leaving home really early so I can get an early spot with the haematologist  Normally, the doctors attend to in-patients before getting to out-patients wherever we are located; speciality or general. So clinic starts roughly between 10:00hrs - 11:00hrs. Blessed are those who forfeit sleep for they shall be called in first! Amen! I was called in first and I met Dr. A (apparently the hospital's filled with Dr's A). We had a lively, friendly chat on genotype, blood group and sickle cell awareness then I told him about my little miracle, Aisha (of course). I was cleared with the normal prescriptions; folic acid, proguanil and some analgesics; tramadol, celebrex (expensive drug) and an appointment in 4 weeks time (11th Sept, 2013). I didn't get any of the analgesics *embarrassed smile*. I was done pretty early which left me with so much time till the psych sessions. I was really tired and just wanted to sleep...no! Wait! Eat, drink then sleep.

It was finally time and psych Dr. A came in and casually checked the waiting room; I guess it was for me, probably to see if I was just another one of them say-no-do persons! I was there! My name was called! Our conversation went thus;

Me: Good afternoon

Dr: How are you?

Me: I'm fine thank you.

Dr: So why did you come in yesterday, it is very rare for patients to come into psychiatry on their own?!

Me: It's actually a long story but lemme start from the end I'm addicted to pentazocine/promethazine...see, I was addicted to it about 4 years ago..." Then I went into details of my last encounter and how the present one started. He asked questions, I answered. Some of the questions I can recall were on the triggering factors, personal life, family life, financial and educational, and finally the reason why I came seeking for help and if I came on  my own free-will.

I did come on my own free-will and I had two main reasons "First; for my daughter. If I live long enough till she gets older, I know she will be needing my help and I want to be fit/sane for her. Second, I am a sickle cell patient and I don't want there to be a time when I will be in dire need of an opioid but it doesn't work for me." Dr. A went on to give me more reasons Religious reasons, it intoxicates the system and makes us unaware of the real life and it is forbidden to pray or even be in that state with no legitimate reason. It harms the organs, gradually. During job interviews, a doctors general assessment of the applicant will be needed and he can't...no, won't give a pass to an addict. It could also affect my work and interaction with people.

Dr: I am glad you are determined. It is going to be a long process divided into two..." Then he went into detailed explanation of  how there's physical drug dependence withdrawal symptoms which we could treat with available medications and the psychological drug dependence withdrawal symptoms which would take a lot of work especially on my part. He told me about a drug test that would have to be done regularly but he didn't want to put more financial stress on me.
Dr: I want you to promise that you won't let me down. Don't take the drugs no matter how much you may feel you need it. I will be counting on your honesty to let me know if you took it.
Me: In Shaa Allah I won't let you down. In Shaa Allah.

He prescribed diclofenac (PRN) for any pain that I may experience, loperamide (PRN) for diarrhoea (these two are part of the physical drug dependence withdrawal symptoms which he said I may experience), carbamazepine (ON) at night only and an appointment for the following week.

I thoroughly enjoyed my first session with him and was looking forward to the following week!

TENDER HEART

The tears poured down her cheeks as she listened to Lionel Richie’s “Tender heart” and thought over her life with Suleiman. Kemi was not sure of anything any longer; was their relationship heading towards something positive? What was the chance of them being together, especially with her condition? How many people will support their union if there was ever going to be one? All these and so many other questions raced through her mind. It seemed to her she was in a relationship with a ghost! She was at least sure he loved her so much and honestly cared for her. Everyone around her knew about him including her parents. When she was on her own, she thought if he ever talked about her to any of his friends or anybody at all! They had met 4 years ago under very unpleasant circumstances.

Kemi was once married for 5 years to her high-school sweetheart; she had never known any man before him and loved him with all her might. Her parents were against Dele when she told them of her intention to marry him towards her final year in school. Being from a wealthy family and the only child of Alhaji and Hajia Abdulganiu, she was sent abroad to study chemical engineering. She was a very modest person and no one would ever tell her background if she didn’t mention it. Dele was from an average family, extremely good-looking, intelligent and a born charmer. Right from secondary school he knew he could always have his way with any lady he wanted. Although Dele and Kemi were in two different worlds during  school sessions, Kemi always made sure they kept in touch; she would call him twice daily sometimes for long hours, she would send him messages during her free periods checking on him and encouraging him on in his studies. She would send him gifts; money, designer labels and high-street fashion that he definitely would not afford with the life-style he lived. If only she knew the life style he lived!

Dele was the play-boy of the faculty of engineering, in fact, of the entire campus. One can’t mention Dele Usaini aka Dudu (for his ebony colour), and not be pointed straight to him. He was well known even among the JAMBITES. He changed girlfriends or better still, bed mates, every two weeks. He lavished any money got from both his parents and Kemi on wining and dining of women and sometimes abortions which he was forced to pay for by some “smart” women that were not going to be used and dumped that easily. He would pay; after all, he did have unprotected sex! Dele was really sweet and pretended to be the good boy Kemi thought he was being. His intelligence always enabled him pass all his exams and graduate successfully. Due to the Nigerian system, Kemi graduated before Dele and was able to do her service. Towards the end of her service, he had graduated and was preparing for his service. Kemi bothered him with talks of being serious because her parents were waiting for a grandchild from her and she wanted to have all of them with him. He finally budged since he always told her that they were meant to be together, when in actual sense he just wanted to settle down with her so as not to have to go through the hard-knock-life people were complaining of even though they were still pretty young. He had worked out her parents would secure a high place for him at their oil firm and he wouldn't have to toil very hard. He could still live the way he was used to, Kemi and her parents didn’t have to know so long as he was serious at work and showed her care and attention then everything was alright for him.

Two years after marriage, Kemi sat at the door step of their bungalow, which was a wedding gift from her parents, holding a medical test report, all her work belongings scattered around her, shedding tears, staring unseeingly at the test report she was holding. Was that the reason Dele never bothered if she got pregnant or not? Did he know she was infected with HIV from him? Did he know he had HIV? She knew she couldn’t have gotten it from any other means except through sex and that was only with him! She had never been transfused, never shared needles in fact she was the most health conscious person most of her friends had known. It was only Dele plus she found out of his play boy attitude very late; after their marriage. Kemi never told her parents of what had befallen her due to her unwavering love for him. She knew they would treat him very bad. So she read on HIV and found out one could live a very healthy life with it, have kids and be as normal people so long as they continue to take their drugs as it should be. She vowed to take care of them both, to go for treatment and they could live normally. No one had to know! Dele totally refused to listen to anything she had to say. He accused her of infidelity and being promiscuous what was worse, he refused to go for any treatment said he was healthy as a horse and from that day they lived as strangers in their own home.  Kemi went for the treatments alone. Dele’s work was reducing with years, the disease was beginning to take a toll on him, his health status deteriorated and eventually her parents found out and like she knew, he was asked to officially divorce her and handover all his belongings. Time was not on his side, he died. He had acquired the full blown AIDS.

Dr. Suleiman Waziri was the first doctor she saw when she began her treatments. He remembered clearly when she first stepped into his office looking so much older than her real age, exhausted and sleep deprived. Despite all that, she still had so much confidence in her gait and her speech was definitely the most royal sound he had ever heard. Dr. Waziri was taken in by her! Even though he was very well capable and handled such cases, he had recommended her to his consultant to start and continue her therapy with him. It would them no good for him to get attached to her. Despite that, he followed her progress closely, would call her often on the pretence of asking of her well being and with time, he would ask to see her outside the hospital environs; she was very much obliged to be in his company. He was really everything Dele refused to be before his death. Gradually, she found herself wanting to hear from him daily, to see him and just be in his company. He would occasionally remind her of Dele and see the tears well in her eyes; tears of regret, tears of sorrow, tears of self pity, Suleiman never allowed himself to ask. Three years was a long time to love a person that needed to be shown love, silently.

Five months after Dele’s death, Kemi got the courage to tell Suleiman of her feelings for him. In her words, she wasn’t really sure if she loved him for being there for her when she needed someone or because she had finally realized in him the type of man her parents had always wanted for her! One year later and they had gotten even closer, she knew nearly as much of him as he knew about her. She had introduced him to her parents and they had taken a liking to him. She met his twin brother who was a surgeon and their sister who was a paediatrician…she called them the “Family Doctors”. Suleiman made her feel all the love in the world would never be enough for her; he cherished her, made her feel healthy and normal. Made her feel everything would be alright sooner than she ever expected. Kemi wanted him in her life for as long as she would live. She wanted to wake up to his warmness, kisses and embraces. She wanted to be his and wanted him to be hers.

One fine day, Suleiman surprised her with the most unexpected news and took her to his home. On getting there, he ushered her into the garden where a lady in a wheel chair was facing them. “Kemi, I want you to meet my wife, Bilqis. She was involved in an RTA eleven years ago and became fully paralysed despite all the surgeries and trips abroad. She has been asking to meet you!” Kemi immediately got on her knees and began to shed tears. She hugged her so tight and apologized several times over! Suleiman got the message his wife was passing across and said “Kemi, she says there’s no need for you to be sorry, Suleiman has been really happy since he met you and it has made me really truly happy. I have been asking him to go out and get a lovely lady that would complete his life since I cannot do it. He has refused but finally, The Lord has answered my prayers and he has made the right choice. I asked to meet you so he can know I am at peace with whatever the both of you have decided to do. I pray for the best.”

LIEBSTER AWARDS

Oh my!!! This is a really great honour (for the second time) that my blog is nominated for a bloggers' award. The first time I was so over whelmed I ended up not doing the proper thing; to accept, thank, reblog and have my own nominees too. Phew!!! I have to be laziest blogger ever! I can't let Petite Diva down so I will do the proper thing this time. Here goes ...

Thank you so much, Petite Diva for this honour, I really do appreciate it. You inspire me to want to write more each time I read your blog. Y'all should checkout http://journalofapetitediva.blogspot.com for everything normal and natural (she can be a drama queen sometimes) but her writings are straight from the heart and I promise y'all will learn something *whispering* especially because she is a really cool pharmacist ;). So, check it out, journalofapetitediva.blogspot.com. 

Okay, as with everything, the Liebster Awards has a set of rules which I have copied in summary and also placed the link so y'all can check it out.

Leibster Award Rules Of Being Nominated

1- Thank the blogger who nominated you and place a link to their blog on your blog.

2- Answer the questions provided by the blogger, give random facts about yourself.

3- Nominate 5-11 other bloggers you feel deserve the award who have less than 200 followers and inform them you have nominated them (you can also nominate the blogger who nominated you).

4- Create a new set of questions for your nominees to answer!

NB: Leibster Award was created to recognise and discover and welcome new bloggers into the blogosphere!!! Leibster is a German word for; Kind, Dearest, Valued and other Lovely meanings to it.

Check out http://lorrainemariereguly.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/the-liebster-awards-the-official-rules-my-first-award-and-a-few-personal-secrets-revealed/

Time to answer the Questions by Petite Diva:

1- Why did you decide to start a blog?: A very special person thought I had good writing skills and suggested I start.

2- What do you love about blogging?: The freedom to write what one feels, sees and/or experiences without restriction!

3- If you could travel anywhere in world, where would it be and why?: Egypt. It is home and there is always something and/or some place new to discover!

4- Who was your celebrity crush when growing up and now?: Prince William (when growing up) Johnny Depp (now)

5- What do you love best about your body?: Everything!

6- Fanta, Coke or Sprite?: *sigh Sprite will have to do

7- List one interesting fact about yourself.: I have a 4 year old daughter!

8- Thor, Superman, Spider man or Captain America, which one is your favourite?: Really Petite diva, really??? *smh* Spider man!

9- Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? What are your dreams?: I hate this question. Sorry! *embarrassed face*

10- What is your favourite colour?: Blue

 Random Facts about Fatum

~ I was born with a blood disorder; Sickle Cell Anaemia.

~ 26 years between my daughter and I.

~ I can be super quiet for no apparent reason.

~ I have never owned a Blackberry.

~ I think I have slackened tear valves *wondering*

~ I studied Zoology.

~ My father's a Nigerian, my mother's an Egyptian which naturally makes me a Nigyptian!

~ I love to travel! Really, really love to travel.

~ Water's my most preferred drink.
~ I love Tea!
~ I made it to 11, it's a miracle!

Fatum's Nominee's

http://journalofapetitediva.blogspot.com

http://tolsbee.blogspot.com

http://zeezamsays.wordpress.com

http://naimtheblackmamba.wordpress.com

http://daireenonline.wordpress.com

http://rebelliousxiv.wordpress.com

Fatum's Questions

1- Favourite fruit.

2- Who is the "father of evolution"?

3- Which of my blog post is your favourite?

4- Do you believe Nigerians' greatest strength is also their greatest weakness (ethnicity)?

5- Coconut, groundnut, cashew nut or wall nut?

6- Army or Navy?

7- Do you support any health cause/organisation? Which one?

8- Present obsession

9- Short nails are healthier than long nails. True or False?

10- Preferred sport

11- I suck at asking questions, don't I?

READ ALL ABOUT ME

Whenever I write or tell about my life tears well in my eyes for so many reasons; happiness, self pity, awe, gratefulness, regret and other emotions. I write about myself for I have been a lesson to me and I always hope that I can be a lesson to anyone that reads about me. I tell because I want to get a message across, because I want someone, anyone out there to learn a thing or two from my life. I have learnt from our beloved prophet Muhammad (SAW), his family and companions that our lives are lessons to others; either it's good or bad.

To say it doesn't bother me that people end up discussing my personal business as a leisure topic is  a great lie but I have been giving myself immunity against "what people say". That some people feel they can ask very tiny details that really has no effect whatsoever on the gravitational force, is just something that I try not to become the Queen of Hearts over, that is scream "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS"!

Each time I get into a situation I am so sure I will never pass through successfully or alive, I find myself somehow on the other side looking back wondering "at exactly which time did I pull though that?" It has all been the Grace of God. He has told us that He will not burden a soul with more than what they can bare. I need to make myself never ever forget this for indeed, I am here today after a terrible life in school, hard times during marriage, pregnancy, delivery, divorce, drug addiction, and so many other issues that now seem so trivial.

I am here today, on September 4th, 2013 I turned 30 years old, by Allah's Grace and Mercy! That for me is an amazing achievement, every reason to be thankful and forever unable to show the right amount of gratitude. These are a couple of reasons; I have a beautiful, healthy daughter, I have a caring mother, I have a system of 'supportive' colleagues, I have friends, I have my mental, physical, psychological and emotional health all in great condition. I don't think I need to look any further. I still act very human-ish; complain and be ungrateful a lot of times and other bad habits too but I am working on them now I pray I can accomplish something very soon In Shaa Allah.
Some very "private" revelations has helped a lot of people open up about their problems similar to mine or even different. It has helped me chose the path I really want to be on. All I need do is pray over it and keep trying my best. I have promised myself anyone that comes to me for help through my stories, I will not turn my back on them so long as I know I can help or can lead them to a path that will surely help them. May Allah make it possible for all of us to be each other's keeper's without having to boast or brag about it. Ameen ameen.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY, A'ISHA ABDALLAH TJ

It's already 4 years since my little girl, A'isha came into this world and filled my life with so much hope and love. How time flies! I remember every single detail of the pregnancy, before delivery and after (I think). It remains one of my best treasures and A'isha remains my very best treasure. It's sad I can't be with her physically on this special day but I'm glad she has her father, brother and Mommy. May they all make it a day to be remembered by her In Shaa Allah.

Every year she gets older, she gets prettier and more intelligent Masha Allah! To say I love her is just an understatement... I adore her. She is my miracle in every way anyone can imagine and who doesn't cherish their miracle?! I can't think of anyone except a fool! 

On this day I want her to know once again she is always on my mind and in my prayers. She is always the smile between my tears. She is always the first ray of light that's my breaking dawn. She is the warm feeling when I'm cold. She is my hope when I have almost lost it. She is my gift. She is my heaven on earth. She is my beloved. She is my daughter; A'isha Abdallah. I love her with every breath I take; each time it refreshes like she's the oxygen my cells need to be sustained.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, little one. May ALLAH be your everything all the time every time, ameen ameen.