SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BLUE, SOMETHING OLD AND SOMETHING BORROWED

Well, the title sounds like I'm about to make y'all read on marriage or weddings and stuff related to marriage or weddings but I'm not and I'm sorry I misled you *offers apology snacks, food, hugs or drinks as the case may apply*

Generally most people assume I'm an "I've got my life in order, a clear perspective, go-getter, I know what I want and a very keep-it-together girl" but I'm not. I mean, yes I do know what I want, for the most part lakin what I want isn't always what I get or have so I make do with what I have. You know, life...lemons.

When I was in level three, back in 2005/2006, I wanted and hoped to the highest heavens that I'd be hit by an oncoming vehicle and be killed. Suicidal thoughts, it's called. I tried explaining it as I'm not thinking of killing myself but I just hope something kills me and very fast too. It's still suicidal, they said. I was tired, unmotivated and felt very worthless. To be honest that feeling has never really left me and I seem to trust people, men, who fuel the worthless feeling and ladies who take advantage of it but I've known my lady friends now and I have less of those advantage takers around, Alhamdulillah.

So, I have Daddy issues which has made me have a very disastrously poor judgement of the kind of man I deserve to be with. I love my Daddy, you can think otherwise but you still need to know. He's the reason I'm around and he has tried to be there for me, my sisters and mother the best way he knew how to.

My Daddy is  a Marine Engineer and a very,  very, Veryyyyyy excellent one. He can tell an engine (generator) is faulty just by the sound and he can tell you which from among a hundred blaring at the same time! He's awesome at his job. He's very intelligent too. He loves to read; had loads of books on stuff that I have no patience to remember right now. He read newspapers daily. Bought Daily Times, Vanguard and one other which, yes, I can't be bothered to recall! I remember after my level 2 exams I returned home for the holidays and I was telling him how worried I was that I'd fail Biochemistry and he smiled and said, "No you won't. I was very good in biochemistry so I think you are too." Then guess what?! He went on to teach me about polypeptides and pathways and those calculations in biochem...people, I was embarrassed at myself. I couldn't recall any single thing I just kept nodding my head like a lizard! He did this about 40 YEARS ago and me, well I did it about 40 DAYS ago! So yeah, shame on me!!!!! He knows arithmetic (how he calls mathematics) so well SO VERY WELL according to him and a former colleague of his, he was called M.C. Durrell in their days because apparently, that was the name of the author of their arithmetic textbook..... I'm sweating writing about him *gulps water to avoid dehydration*.

Daddy was hardly around during our growing up years, his job took him to all parts of the world for very long periods. Remember NNSL, Nigerian National Shipping Line? He was among the pioneers of that very beautiful ship. What of MV Abuja? (where MV means Moving Vessel) he was among those who went to bring it to Nigeria from Poland. He invited us to his cabin. So cosy, beautiful and lovely. That ship was very amazing and it's such a shame she had to end up in ruins! He took my late younger sister and I forgot r a tour right down to the basement of the ship, the engine room. He called it his Home! He expected me to know the technical names of a ship; you know, deck, starboard etc because, I was in Nigerian Navy Secondary School and we were actually taught those terms in JSS 1 Naval Studies but I wasn't paying attention. I never did pay attention to anything in JS1, honestly speaking. Anyways, it was a lovely weekend with him.

Daddy was there through out my primary to secondary school transition. He took me for my common entrance examination which took place in Queen's College, Yaba, Lagos. It rained that day. He filled my application form for Nigerian Navy Secondary Schools and he wrote my surname as Umaru which is how he spells his and I remember being very upset telling him I want to be Umar and him saying there's no way Father and Daughter can have different spellings of their names. I didn't talk to him all day! He was so proud of me when I got the Navy admission.

When I gave birth to Aisha, he was so excited. When I went back home after my divorce he was supportive, understanding and kind. He helped with Aisha when he could. Daddy calls me on 9th or sometimes 23rd September singing the Happy Birthday song and it amuses me so I haven't had the heart to tell him it's on 4th September... It's love *falling hearts* plus, that he remembers it's in September is a very big deal too!

When Mona was down and needed blood transfusion, he was there for her and I remember very clearly him saying to her "If you need more than my blood I will give it to you. So don't ever worry about anything anytime it comes to your health." He was also very proud of her when she got her Navy admission as well. Although he didn't handle her last days very well, he seemed to be absent and when he was present he had misunderstandings with the nursing staff. No, *smh* he didn't handle it well. Then she died. He didn't handle the condolence visits well either, which actually later made Maama laugh when she remembered.

Daddy stayed with Amina when she had her psychological issues although he never believed it was medical which is really quite something because our Maama kept telling him it was medical and he kept insisting it was spiritual... Well, we know who won!

Men, listen to your wives. They know stuff you'll never know!

Daddy's story is my Something New; I've never written about him.
Daddy is my Something Blue; sometimes he makes me sad (blue) and sometimes he makes me happy (blue is my favorite and calming colour).
Daddy is my Something Old; I've had him all my life plus he's old.
Daddy is my Something Borrowed; I know he was given to me for a short while only.

GREAT EIGHT

I am overwhelmed! It's been eight years and you are every memory as joyous as you've been since the first second I knew about you! I know I say this very often but YOU ARE LOVED!!! Not just by me, Maama, your Daddy and family members but by anyone who meets or hears about you. And a lot of us do not have the chance to express or show the love as often as we might wish but for this day, YOUR DAY, we have come together to make sure you have fun, laughter, to make sure you feel loved and special. It is one short day we crammed as much of ourselves and emotions into so you feel you are in our thoughts every single day; near or far.

Joyeux anniversaire, mon petit-aime!!! 

This year started out for you on a very rough note; accident, death, injuries, trauma, hospitalization and grief but you have made it to this day by The Mercy of Allah and I am very, very, very thankful for that. Alhamdulillah!!! I am most thankful for I feel it brought us not only physically closer but also mentally and it created a little better understanding of each other.

So, this year we did the celebration a lot earlier than we usually do, we had it on Saturday 15th July, 2017 for so many family reasons which we are still thankful for. The day turned out beautiful mostly because you were happy and excited. the welcome run and hug I got from you *melts away with love* let all the days of stress-worrying and planning pay off. Alhamdulillah!

So, both aunt Amina (my sister and Mummy's sister) were present, their kids, aunt Zainab and Sa'a's kids too as well as my in-law from Amina's side, aunt Nasira with her kids. Tariq was there too, of course and Daddy's soldiers were present. Mummy made very tasty fried rice, snacks, drinks and salad to celebrate the occasion, to be honest, our tummy's were very much happy too *chuckles*.

Even though we had to rush the event due to late arrival and need to depart early for distance and safety reasons, we all had a great time; singing the Happy Birthday song, watching you blow out your figure 8 candle and cut the cake! You radiated joy!!!

Again, I love you. We all do. You bring us together, make us all happy and teach us how to remain strong even when it seems bleak. May Allah always be your strength, comfort and guide. May He always keep you safe, protected and guided onto the right path and may your Imaan grow daily as you grow and mature into a smarter and more beautiful young girl. AMEEN!!!!!

XOXO

JUNE 19; IN SICKLE CELL DISORDER AND IN HEALTH

How did it get to be June 19 so fast? I mean, I'm not complaining, nooo I'm amazed and grateful that I'm here again. Another year and well. In fact, so very well I can hardly believe I've been suffering for the past year!

Yes, so, if you've read my last post, you'll remember I wrote about my experience and how I've been having constant bone pain aka sickle cell crises ... I can't remember, did I write on that or just the PTSD? Please don't make me read my post *BBM crying emoji* Anyways, I have been having recurring SC crises and I've been put on basically all the analgesics there is to be put on; from the ones that make me slightly dizzy and drowsy and sleepy to the ones that out right make me a drunken person who has never taken alcohol to point of being drunk. Yes please. I have taken alcohol, as a kid, when all those scammers would come to desperate mother's of sickle cell patients and tell them take such and such it will CURE sickle cell in three months and the poor blessed mother's would obey. Not being medical or scientific to understand that diseases of the genes can only ever be cured through the genes or never cured at all. But, again, I'm swerving *does Fast and Furious swerving back to original lane* ;) and some of those analgesics gave me severe stomach aches and I believe a bit of dependence on them for when I stop taking I get headaches. Headaches from Hades in the down under world! I think I need a new head, a new GI system or a new self, I wouldn't mind! Pretty please!? *Doe eyed*

The aches (crises) made me visit the accident and emergency of AKTH a lot and I got pricked a lot and my once very good and vibrant veins which used pink cannula began to disappear and then I degraded to blue and now I use the yellow and even with that, the Dr's complain that the needle on the yellow are much, much larger than any visible, useful vein. Word of advice, in your daily thanks to the Lord, be thankful for your veins! It started taking long hours and more than one Dr who gives it more than 3 tries to get a line. Sometimes we opt for IM analgesic before a line is set so as to ease my pain. It started to take a toll on me psychologically, I could feel it but no one could, I've become so good at masking my depression  it's a wonder I'm not fully ... Alhamdulillah! I hang on and find joy in distant love that is pure and will never die, hopefully. I think of how our beloved Prophet (SAW) endured so much but was a comfort to others and I say to myself "Girl! You whine too much! Appreciate what you have before that's gone too!" And damn right that's what I do! Plus I cry a GREAT deal, forget about the ones you THINK you've seen, you ain't seen NOTHING and you ain't gonna see too! It helps ease some of the burdens I feel I carry alone!

On a very lovely Saturday or was it Sunday, I can't recall, Dr AD Waziri came to visit, and, yes I've mentioned it in my last post but, tough! He saw as far as his medical haematological expert eye would allow him see, that I was looking awful and needed help and he said I needed to start Hydroxyurea, I did. I have not regretted listening to him. I feel more energetic and probably less loco *LOL* could it be that it has effect on the psyche as well? That would be great, truly. Especially since its side effects are a lot. A very, very lot!

So, I'm on hydroxy and I haven't had crises in three months just one three days back (June 16) probably stress from exam or something. Twasn't so severe but it was aching and disturbing. Although I still experience headaches and that's another story for another time.

Is it a #Happy #WorldSickleCellDay or JUST a #WorldSickleCellDay? I really dunno and honestly don't care! Everyday to a sickle cell patient IS World Sickle Cell Day. We seem to be increasing in number in as much as we definitely are dying in multitudes as well. Sickle Cell is not on the top 10 list of Non-Communicable Diseases and yes, I know it's a Hereditary Disease but then...I'm tired of arguing!

Good night! 

THROUGH PAIN AND LOVE

I will start by quoting my dear friend of 14 years, Aluta Imam, who every year on a certain day would remind me that not only has a year been added to, but it has also been subtracted from my life. He would say "Fatum, you are a step closer to your grave therefore you have to prepare for it so while people will be crying for you, you will be laughing." Every 4th September I get this sermon, hopefully this year won't be an exception! *fingers crossed*

Alhamdulillah I am 34 years old, still a bit of a dream esp after all the hardship; physical, emotional, psychological, mental, financial, and social as well, I am still here, breathing, healthy and loved sincerely by a good number of very wonderful, trustworthy and dependable people. Alhamdulillah again, again and forever more! *Brown emoji praying hands*

So, I'm supposed to brag about how great, fulfilling, fantastic and terrific my life is/has been for the past year, right? About things I've achieved, dreams that have come true, wishes that have been fulfilled...you know, bore the living day-light out of you make you feel your life is less than mine. But I won't! I love y'all too much to do that! Plus my life really is a chore! *sips Pepsi* September 2016 right through to September 2017 has been hard and as you may or may not know, August has not been my month for a long time now! 

After all these years and stuff I have been through one would think I had grown wise in matters of the heart but hey, I am gracefully accepting my red, bold, uppercase letter L, taking a bow and waltzing off the stage!

A few happenings include;

Had so many sickle cell crises, my Haematologist decided it was time I started hydroxyurea, which I did and with much noticed improvement.

Registered and completed my first semester of the Masters programme I enrolled for last session but could not complete.

Started writing again, got my mojo back, Hallelujah!

Made new friends, THAT is something I doubt I can ever stop doing, even if it is just a single human being a year, it always falls into place. Watched movies solo, in pairs and even in groups they were all fun.

Cooked new foods.

Travelled to a new city, Maiduguri which is the capital of Borno state in North-East Nigeria as a result of an RTA which included family members Lost loved ones (may Allah have Mercy on their souls, ameen).

I hate Whatsapp, a social network. I know, very unoriginal. But I use it cos, necessary! Then something fantastic happened, journalofapetitediva.com sent me a link to our secondary school Whatsapp Group Chat! My Whatsapp has never been alive-r!!!

Got to celebrate my daughter's Eighth birthday with my sister and nieces present. Family is a beautiful blessing.

Had a reunion with some of the neighbors I grew up with back in Festac town, Lagos. It was a lovely wedding. Alhamdulillah.

Started seeing the psychiatrist again; forgetfulness, sleeplessness,  anxiety and panic attacks, headaches and feelings of worthlessness.

I missed the welcoming of @FuadXIV to Kano because I was attending to my man issues! I have man issues and it's disturbing!

I made it through August which is one of the hardest and saddest months for me.

But the most important thing that I consider happened to me was when I finally decided to take back my power. You see, when you love a person more than he/she loves you, they have all the power. They come and go as they please, treat you as they please and feel entitled to the love and everything you give along with the love. There's no thank you for trying it's always your fault any slight misunderstanding because why? You're not supposed to have feelings or opinions in that relationship. Apparently THEY'RE doing you a favor being with you so SHUSH! Feel nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing.

Maybe August isn't such a horrible month after all!

And when Allah said "ask Me" He means ASK Him for He provides for you from where you least expect it when you least expect. 

EID AND FAMILY

Since 2003, I have spent Eid (both Fitr and Adha) with in-laws and yes, they are family through my sister. The best family anyone could ever ask for. 2008 Eids were spent in my matrimonial home but from 2009-2012 I spent my Eids with the very, very especially best person who has ever happened to me, my daughter, Aisha. And right now, I am all smiles and wondering why she had to grow up so fast for we had so much fun with her as a toddler. Eid-el-Fitr 2015 coincided with her 6th birthday and I spent that very beautiful day with her and her family and also with my favourite family in Kaduna. Got to attend Eid prahere with them. Twas mighty fun! Eids with my Maama were also from 2010-2012, if  I am not mistaken, Eid-el-Fitr 2013 I was struggling with my drug dependence problem, probably the time I decided I needed help because I so did not have any fun, was with one of my closest friend and her family.

I love family. I love the idea of family. I love the reality of family. A family to belong to is definitely one of Allah's greatest gifts to all living things. Even if it is a broken, disjointed and embarrassing family, we should still love, cherish and honor every single member of the family. Most times it is hard, I know, no need to sigh so deeply...all families have their black sheep, closet of skeleton, et cetera, et cetera but the best are those who despite all that still keep it together with effort from each member.

Just of recent, members of my paternal family; cousins, contacted me and it was (still is) a pleasant shock (haven't recovered). Maybe one day I'll spend Eid with them. Moving on, 2016 Eid elFitr I was sick and receiving IV fluids at home, alone. Eid el Adha seems to be eluding me, I can't recall where exactly or with whom exactly but I'm thinking it was with one of my closest friend who also lives nearby me. 2017 both Eid in Kano with my one of my longest time and closests girlfriends. Same friend as 2016.

This year, 2018, Eid elFitr was spent at home. It was quiet, gloomy and miserable. I do not like being alone on special occasions even if I be sometimes feeling left out or do not belong, I still like the feeling of being in a loving family get-together. The joyous noise of the kids, parents catching up, teenagers having fun with their friends and getting to visit or be visited. It calms my soul and makes my heart yearn more to be with my own family especially my daughter and mother.

Eid el Adha! Again, with my favourite family in Kaduna and again I feel so loved, appreciated and wanted. We missed the Eid closest to the house so we went to another which took place in Kaduna Capital School. It was beautiful, peaceful, harmonious, the participants were organised and we'll mannered. Alhamdulillah, I really loved and enjoyed the occasion.

We got back home 9:35am had food and set out to greet the Grandma. Returned to delicious roast chicken, grilled potates and a personal cheesecake for me...yummay as all @theculinaryarchitect s foods are. We slept, woke up, ate some more and watched movies. 

Friends who have become family are special and Godsent and we must hold them dear. More often than not, they turn up when and where our family are supposed to.

Eid is family and family is Eid so I believe next Eid, if Allah spares our lives I will be with the people I love the most who love me just as much and more. In shaa Allah. Ameen. 

Eid Mubarak and Taqqabal Allah minna w minkum. Ameen *palms raised to sky*

ONE YEAR: PTSD, CHANGE, FORGIVENESS

Being in the bathroom at home in Abuja during the Easter break of April, 2017 brought back memories of a year ago when; getting to the bathroom was a race with myself, sitting on the toilet seat was the hardest task I had to do, getting up was an equally cruel task, peeing was painful, pooing was almost impossible and the only way I could get relief from all physical body ache was to literally empty the water heater! As a person who is not a fan of having a bath with warm water, I went all out to ensure I cooked myself as an analgesic so I could sleep at night without pain and have a day without wincing. I am so grateful to be alive to re-live the feeling through my writing! It's probably the best way I can do it without bothering the same people I've bothered it with for the past year!

The hardest part of the whole ailment was not having someone I was used to, yes I was with family but they had never experienced such with me and I felt like a burden. I missed my Mummy. I wanted the person I loved the most in the world to be there for me psychologically and as much as possible, physically. But I can't always have what I want, can I? I had all the care anyone could ever need and I will be the most ungrateful person ever if I say otherwise. I am forever grateful and thankful to Mama AA who took care of me probably better than any of my blood relatives ever could have, if they would have! Her entire family are a blessing to me. Thinking of it, I don't think it could have been better than what I got, Alhamdulillah!

I have tweeted about the situation, made a post on it and talked about it so much that my friend, Sophie, when telling her friends about me says "she's going to tell you about the Dr who nearly killed her!" LOL! I had gone around for a long time saying the same thing, pointing out the Dr when I had the chance to and just being in a state of mind I really had no idea how to deal with till I came across an acronym, PTSD, and I wondered, "whatever does it mean?" so I checked it out on line: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Again I thought "whatever in the world does this white man sickness have to do with us blacks?!" Apparently, a lot! First, we are all human beings; same basic physiological, anatomical and biochemical settings, we are all the same by default but we get 'customized' by family genes, environment and experiences and as such, we react to situations differently. Example is what I mentioned above. In Nigeria and Africa, we generally just tell a person to be thankful that they survived a traumatizing incident and try to shut the person up. You know, don't go all mushy and crying and stuff, say Alhamdulillah for it could have been worse. In the Western world, such a person is asked if he/she wants to talk about it, if they want to see a specialist for they have experienced trauma and need help in understanding why, how, when and the likes of it. There are even anonymous group meeting where persons who might have experienced similar traumatizing events meet and talk about it in earnest, where they get help from each other, knowing they are not alone.

I never felt more alone in my life than the past year but I am a fine person, have been, will always be! Carried on with my life as it has always been, drifting through people to end up alone, it is not a big deal, I told myself through tears and hurt. don't be sad and don't think much about it, your death will end it all! But I could not stop thinking about it and I wondered and worried why it gave me so much trouble; I was scared. I was alone. I could have died and my last memories would have been of my young in-laws rushing me to the hospital trying to get me the much needed medical  attention. Me crying in severe and utter agony even after a probable OD of opioid analgesics to help, nothing helped. I seemed to be getting worse, I could see/feel my heart struggling to beat, and finally of me being wheeled to the bathroom by a male attendant to pee and him offering to assist me stand from the wheelchair to sit on the toilet seat and stand from the toilet seat back to the wheelchair but me declining because, well because! That was precisely my last memory. I don't know which day of the week it was or what time of the day it was but I know it was a live living nightmare! And again, I was alone!

After reading much on PTSD, I got more upset because what I needed I knew I was never going to get in the way I desired and craved it. I could go to my psychiatrist but I was not sure I would get 100% we are just not into psychology without drugs! I was scared and alone and trusted the wrong person to understand and be supportive. With all those emotion and no comfort, I took a decision to never return to see any Dr in the hospital I attended for 15 years since they gave the impression I was extra work for them, I would stay home to receive treatment; worse outcome; death, but someone informed me of another hematology team I could see in the hospital. I had no idea haematology was divided into 2; Laboratory and Clinical Haematology. The latter is a unit under Dept of Medicine while the former is a department on its own. The person pointed out the greatest advantage I would have is access to bed space if and when the need for it arose no matter what. To be honest, that is a challenge the Lab Haem team face, the patient can get care during the day time in the Day Care which closes at the end of work hours to re-open the next day. Too much stress for a patient who is in serious pain and needs greater than 8 hours medical service/attention.

Met with a former neighbour who is now a consultant Haematologist with ABUTH, Dr. AD Waziri *claps and cheers* so proud of him! and his first reaction when he saw me told me I am in a whole lot of trouble and no medical expert who has known me long is honest enough to tell me that I need help. He was the first professional to say he thinks my condition is being made worse by psycho-social stress and he asked me to start talking...oh where do I start from?! We talked and he gave very useful advice, forever thankful *hearts*.

As part of my healing process, I decided I would need to talk to the Dr who saw me last when I returned for my follow-up before the whole Acute Chest Syndrome + Anaemic Heart Failure drama occurred. I did see the Dr today, Friday, 12th May, 2017! What a blessed day! Alhamdulliah for friends who motivate and, as we say in Nigeria, "take Panadol for another person's headache". I love you, Sophie *hugs*. So, I told the Dr everything...EVERYTHING!!! And I cried, of course I cried, it would not be MY story without some tears, duh! I'm glad he listened to me and he made me feel he DID listen because he thanked me and assured me he had learned and understood that it was not just a cry for myself (I mentioned to him I am among the blessed/lucky few who have people that know people that know...you get the gist) it was also for those who had no human power except that of Allah and that every patient deserves to feel special with their Dr. and know that they are as safe as any professional human can guarantee them with regards to their health and/or life.

We are figuratively at their mercy when it comes to our health; organically and psychologically. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a medical doctor in Nigeria and I always, always sympathise with them BUT it is harder being a patient in Nigeria, much much harder, very much harder and I feel many of them do not see it that way for they are so very absorbed with themselves; I'm not saying they should be altruistic, no. Yet they have better chances due to being colleagues of each other so they get to Dr each other the way they would personally want to be doctored! Greater health advantage than an ordinary patient.

Like I always say, Health is Wealth!