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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

DAYS OF A DIVORCEE

So, I've been divorced for 6 years and yes, I'm still "single" of course I do want to settle and start a new family but I've made that a bit tough for myself right now; falling for the "wrong" person, like I always do or, I can do the Hausa thing where I say "Allah has not yet ordained it for me!" Most of my friends and colleagues seem to be of the impression that I'm living with the fear of my last marriage and judging men based on that but what do they know?! And if they were right, I think I have the absolute reason and right to be picky or rejecty (if that's a word). They won't be there when days are hard, so let them think whatever. In all truth, I'm not willing to settle for just any man who pops up and tries to convince me he's the best thing for me. I know who and what I want in any man I wish to become my husband and so I'm aiming for that, it could take longer than planned or it may not happen at all. Whatever the case, I am content with what Allah has willed for me concerning my marital status. Yeah,  many of you will be thinking "she wants a rich, single, blah blah, blah man" keep thinking and flowing your words over my case one thing you probably will forget to mention is "Fatum is happy and content this way". I wonder, why instead of talking about the reason I've "refused" to re-marry you don't ask "How does she manage to stay happy?"  and "How has she been coping?" Ikon Allah and great friends I've come to trust and consider family, my mother, daughter and the greatest Bae of all times *does cart-wheel*

Q, Question: How have I been able to survive, seriously?
A, Answer: Honestly I can't  say I rely on any particular thing but the fact and realization when I wake up every new day have definitely meant Allah has blessed me with the strength I need to get through a particular day with its particular peculiarities and so I just usually take it an hour at a time. In a day I can go through almost all the emotions imaginable; happiness, gloom, fear, strength, love, strong dislike, frustration, hope, the need to be with with lots of people and then the prayer that I'll be left alone for some quiet...believe me, 24 hours is a very long time and so one person can experience all those.
There are days people don't mind their business and there are days I feel like talking a lot about myself. Days when men are horny and stupid and so feel they can flirt with me because for some insane reason "a divorced woman is always willing to sleep around since she already has done it before", days when I equally flirt back and "mistakenly" bring up how I've got the most perfect man and say stuff like "oh look! He got me these shoes (annoyingly shows them off), had them sent to the office last week. Weren't you around?" That's a sure fire way to make stupid become smart and walk away. There are days I just totally ignore such humans by chatting, playing games or searching for stuff on my mobile; somehow, I've realized, I don't know how to talk and type (even for game playing) I end up repeating a particular statement and sometimes I just don't have an idea what the person was saying which really pisses a lot of people off! I come off as rude!
I have busied myself with studies; both Islamic and Western, with work, with thoughts of how and when to spend time with my daughter and fun things we can do together. I have health issues to bother with as well, trying to stay healthy, pain-free and outside of the hospital wards is not an easy thing and it is not cheap either! Time and money and strength consuming! So you see, when I become low on those three things, I really don't know how I'm supposed to want to have a husband who possibly won't understand that I hate him and his demands for that day if he won't be kind caring and comforting. Already as it is, most who have claimed to love me have shown little or no interest in trying to assure me that they will be worth my sacrifice. Yes people, I will be sacrificing my freedom that I have so very terribly become used to, my ...errrm...I can only think of freedom right now that will be sacrificed LOL
On occasions, I wish I did have someone to actually bother about and who bothers about me so we can both bother each other, I wish I had companionship, someone I can trust who equally trusts me and we share our worries, problems and fears and then solve it as far as we can for each other. Yes, sometimes we really can't do anything that will actually solve it but then, to have my someone who will just hold my hands and tell me to trust in Allah that he believes I will get through it because I have gotten through so many worse and unimaginable situations and that he believes I'm strong enough because he gets his strength from me and then I hug him and plan on some really all-round way ( example: clean house, sexy me, good food and I'll be dessert *a jar of glittering cookies* :P) to show him how he really helped me get through just the psychological strain of such worry ... On such days, I feel sad, alone, in need, tired, fed-up and I become so weepy and I just want anyone of my suitors who are round to marry me ASAP then after a while, I snap back to my senses, I haven't stayed all this while to just settle for anyone.
Sometimes my house is a mini jungle and I will not be in the mood to pick up a broom or mop-stick to clean. I really couldn't care less that period and that's when my phone rings non-stop from friends and colleagues who want to visit or hang-out! Not today happy person, not today *builds electric fence round self*! I don't cook or eat either, I survive on drinking lots of tea and water and juices, if I have them. Sometimes, I want to visit friends and loved ones, hang-out, catch up and just have fun, bake cake and share with those around, make food and invite anyone at all to lunch.
I used to spend a lot of time on social networks, about 18-19 hours at a stretch but I no longer do that, I guess I've become more occupied I just wish I knew the exact things that have occupied my time *pensive* . I also used to prefer being alone just to cry and ask why I had to be a divorcee and to wonder at what point if given the chance I could turn back the hands of time and change that event but now I'm grateful for it all, including the divorce. I have believed the statement "everything happens for reason" through the very heartbreaking ways. We came together to bring about my smart, intelligent, fun-loving, sweet, chocolate baby girl, Aisha and I will not change that for anything. Alhamdulillah,
I want any lady going through a divorce or just at the beginning of being a divorcee to know her world did not end and yes, it does feel like it actually did (to some, to others its a relief) but this is another chance given to you to rediscover your strengths and appreciate your life and the works that Allah has been performing for you. Make new friends, age doesn't matter, go to new places, meet new interesting people. Learn a new thing on your religion or about the world; new teaching methods, medical discoveries, scientific breakthroughs...just be interested in other things that have nothing to do with you, you might be able to make someone or people smile and that will make you happy as well.
Divorce is just the end of a phase, not your existence and yes, people will point fingers, call you names, some will avoid you (please do NOT feel bad about those, they've helped you weed your beautiful garden off their terrible presence) but you should try not to give into them or what they say, remember, they were not there when you were married and so know nothing and will never have an idea of what you went through plus you owe no one a reason as to why you divorced. Form as many stories as it pleases you to form but one thing I've realized is it always better to never give fault to any of you. Best to say it was a mutual agreement, things were not working out. This way, you would have proved yourself a trustworthy partner and a reliable human.

This is just to let any interested lady looking for a friend to understand and listen to without judging, I am here for you. You can contact me on umarfatima4983@live.com 

6 comments:

  1. Jazha khallah khair for these kind words may Allah ease your sufferings dearest....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jazha khallah khair for these kind words may Allah ease your sufferings dearest....

    ReplyDelete