This is a conversation a lot of girls may be familiar with and it may not necessarily be the same theme either. Sometimes we have it with our best friends and other times with total strangers. I decided to let it be over the phone between a young lady (Lydia) and her much older neighbor (Fay).
Lydia: I think I am lost.
Fay: now you are back on track. The first step to finding the right path is accepting you are lost and need direction. Tell me sweetheart, what is wrong?
Lydia: *deep breath, exhales* well, I’m not so sure where to start from. It’s like I’m in a maze so many different paths but only one will lead out. I will start however and from wherever till I get the story right. I hope you will understand.
Fay: you have my full attention and I will try my best to understand without interrupting you.
Lydia: thank you so much Miss Fay. I met this guy and I just have this feeling that he is playing me but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to leave him. I feel broken and empty after we have sex. He keeps saying he loves me, and he does want to marry me. But deep down inside I just know that he is lying yet I can’t leave him. *begins to cry* I don’t know why! I don’t know how I got this way. *sniffing*
Fay: do you want me to come over?
Lydia: *sniffing and trying to compose self* no ma’am. It would have been lovely, but I feel so ashamed of myself. I can’t even bare to look myself in the mirror. I am dirty and …..*breaks down again*
Fay: it’s okay sweetheart. Take your time. You will be okay, let it all out, baby.
Lydia: *a couple of minutes pass before she is composed* I’m so sorry about all this. *mustering courage to smile*
Fay: no don’t be, that is the expected reaction for the way you feel and I am really proud you haven’t done worse *chuckles*
Lydia: *laughs for a bit* yeh I guess so! You see the thing is when I face him with the truth of our situation; he says no, I am being paranoid. And then one day he gave me his mobile to hold for him and out of curiosity I decided to check his inbox and sent messages. *exhaling loudly* I knew it was at my own risk, but I just had to. I saw he sent a mail to some other girl called Diana. I felt my heart crash and tears welled up in my eyes, but I smiled and acted normal. Right now, I don’t recall what the message contained but I do remember “…I love you so very much, Diana.” He has never sent me such a message. In fact he has never done anything positive for me worth remembering which is what hurts me the most. It hurts because after knowing all that I still cannot leave. Why? What more am I waiting for?
After a few weeks, I told him what I knew and he said “it’s my mother’s choice and you know I wouldn't want to offend my mother. But I promise you, if you are not married in a few years time, I will marry you.” I just shook my head and with all difficulty held back the tears that were threatening to roll down my cheeks. He must really think I’m stupid or I must be really stupid for him to have told me that with all sincerity. I wanted to scream and tell him to cut the crap. To stop the lie. To stop everything. But I just let it pass as with all other obvious lies he has told me. Is it because I think I love him or is it the need for me to be loved that is causing me to downgrade myself?