Monday, November 26, 2012

FRAGILE BONDS - @D_OddButterfly


She is quiet, he is quiet too. It seems they have nothing to say to each other. He loves her completely, she loves him much less. A victim of circumstances, she has lost the one she loves. Not wanting to die alone she accepts the 1st guy she meets. With no love in her heart she agrees to his suit.

He tries so hard to make her love him. He knows how she feels, but he is convinced with time she'd learn to love again. He intends to be that man, the man she finally loves again. So he works for her heart. He gives her his all, his everything.

She knows she should try, she should try to love him too, but it seems she can't. She has lost the ability to feel. So she watches him passively as he tries to win her heart. She sees his suffering, but somehow she doesnt really care. Like an out of body experience, she feels like its someone else being made love to.

He has done all he can. But nothing seems to work. She's like a hard case of ice and his warm touch can't pass through to melt her heart. Each cold reaction chips at his confidence. Every impassive glance tears at his soul. He can't take the pain anymore. Though he tries to hide it, the pain is finally beginning to dull the shine in his eyes.

Time they say heals all hurts. And with time the old love has faded. And slowly she relents. She finds herself laughing secretely at his jokes. She's humming the tune to the song he calls 'our song'. Suddenly she realizes, she has fallen for him. But she has become so used to not caring, now that she wants to care, she can't. She can't show him because she's so set in her ways. Taking steps to change seems terrifying.

She can't give him the love he deserves. He's hurting, she knows he's hurting and she hurts with him too.
She doesn't know how to heal the pain, she's helpless. She's scared to try incase she meets with a rebuttal. The truth? She doesn't even know HOW to try. She doesn't know where to start from. She's beginning to crumble under the strain.

He's going numb. He has been through so much... He tries to block the love in his heart. He tries to force his heart to love less. Maybe feeling nothing would be better than this agony of unrequitted love. He has been the one carrying the relationship and the strain is getting to him. He's grown weary of the burden and is willing to finally let it go. But its such a huge step, he's scared to btreak those bonds. Bonds that have defined his existence for so long. Will he survive without her?

The fragile bond that holds them together has been worn so thin and is in severe danger of breaking.
He has stopped trying. She doesn't know how to try. She doesn't know how to deal with this new side of him.
He is waiting for her next move, like a chess game in stalemate, neither moving ahead, neither going back. Miscommunication.



By the blogger; zeezamsays.wordpress.com



AMATEUR WRITER'S COLLECTION

Some friend's and I decided to try to keep our brain active by challenging  ourselves (personally) to writing. Our first theme is on the very much sought after LOVE! 
There are 6 of us in total, 3 Ladies and 3 Gentlemen

@D_OddButterfly
@Basheerababy
@Fatumoriginal
@Ahmad_YSF
@i_NoSend_u
@WordsworthGwary

 Have fun ....



Friday, November 16, 2012

CAUGHT BETWEEN LOVE



 Hey! I have missed you all. I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. Not really pressing issues that called away my attention, it’s just lack of inspiration and sometimes so many tales to narrate I forget them all at once. But now, I have something really important to share with you all. A question has been going round, “Can you still be friends with your ex?” honestly; I burst out laughing when I see it. Young people arguing over ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends I do not see that as a matter for much thought; you assumed you had feelings for each other it didn’t work out. Move on. Say hi when you meet and if any of them has gotten married just forget you ever knew them. Some spouses can get really jealous and make a mountain of a mole hill.



As for we, Committee on Divorce Matters, If you have kids between you two, it is absolutely necessary to keep the ties, even if you have to pretend to keep the friendship, which we all know there can no longer be…I mean it is hard. It is just painstakingly hard to be true friends with your ex-husband or wife but for the sake of the wellbeing of the life that came from you both, you just have to try. Recently, my daughter Aisha, travelled to Nigeria to ‘visit’ her father….well, that visit seems to have taken a wrong turn, a turn that has made me change all my life plans, again. No it’s no big deal, I always knew this day had to come; I just wasn’t expecting it so early. So far the people I have told are saying the same thing; most of them are single or married and their kids are staying with them so they wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from no matter how hard I try to explain. Just for the sake of clarity when a reasonable man and a reasonable woman have a kid/kids together and then get divorced, they know at the back of their minds that the other person has a major say in their life….and to be honest it’s the one that’s more influential that usually gets most of the say, unfortunately.

All this ranting is just to try as much as I can to explain just because it didn’t work out between the couples doesn’t mean the kids have to suffer it also. They are entitled to believe, know and feel that the physical and ‘spiritual’ separation of the parents never destroyed the love they once shared bringing about their conception. They are entitled to feel loved and cared for by both parents at the same time and that even though each party has carried on with their life either getting married again and having more kids, they are still every bit a part of their daily activities.

Bringing a child into this world is not just for the cuteness and adorability, we shall be asked how we cared for them when we die and even before we die, how that child becomes in the society is 50% affected by the attention he/she gets from both parents and how they deal with each other either married or divorced. That life from you has a say in your life, be considerate of that helpless creature; when they grow they will appreciate your effort and will show it one way or another.

Finally I just want you all to know that The Major and I, have a very cordial relationship, we still joke and laugh, tell each other our opinions on some certain things and we agree equally on everything that has to do with Aisha. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for my daughter. May Allah strengthen the bond between them, amen. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

THE TELEPHONE CONVERSATION - 2

No living soul ever wants to be alone. Everybody wants to have somebody they can belong to, someone they can call their own and someone to call them theirs'. People go to different lengths for love and affection, and in a way they cannot be blamed. It has become scarce so the laws of Demand and Supply can, will and is very well applied to it.


This is a telephone conversation between Sara and Hafiz, two young hearts that found their way to each other .....

Sara: Assalam aleikum, My All *smiling broadly

Hafiz: Ameen w aleikum assalam, My Queen. Long live the Queen of my heart. How are you this lovely evening?

Sara: *seriously blushing and heart rate increasing* I am very fine, Hayati, I feel even better now that I am hearing your voice. I missed you so much. How are you and how was your day at work? I hope you had lunch?

Hafiz: Yes, I have had lunch I sent you a message, remember? *chuckling*

Sara: * face palm* oh yes, yes you did. Silly forgetful me.... so ....

Hafiz: So adorable when you call yourself silly with your melodious voice *kissing sound* All in all my day was okay, the NEWS was broadcast at it's best since the bosses didn't hassle me. Oh and this came in last minute, I will be on duty for the next three nights.

Sara: Oh dear! *frowning* That means our Friday night dinner is cancelled?! *sad sigh* *murmuring to self* they couldn't pick any other weekend! Wickedness!

Hafiz: I can still hear you my little grumbling diamond...please don't be annoyed

Sara: *manages a smile* I am not annoyed with you it's just been a long time we spent more than an hour in each other's presence and I miss you so bad *sniffs* But okay, may Allah make it easy and successful for you. Finish safely and return safely, ameen. After all if you weren't the best they wouldn't regularly request for you. *smiling honestly

Hafiz: That's my Queen. Now tell me how were your little rascals today?

Sara: *laughing* as usual; rascals and sweet! They learn very fast, Sweetheart and they motivate me with their eagerness. I really love my new job I have the chance to read books and be with little children. It's really amazing! Thank you for all the encouragement and unwavering faith! I really don't know where I would have been right now if we had not met ...well actually if you had not been so annoyingly persistent in visiting me at home.

Hafiz: *hearty laughter* my friends started believing you had jazzed me spiritually! The truth be told you actually had and I know you didn't even know about my existence for you to have gone to any boka. You are a born charmer. You ....in fact I am the one to be thanking you, Queen Sara. I am impatiently waiting for you to get over your fear of being attached to someone permanently In Sha Allah. You have no idea how much you mean to me. This statement is such a cliche but really, I do love you.

Sara: *smiling from ear to ear* You always know how to get me tongue-tied and breathless. I don't have the right words to tell you but I know I have the right feelings for you and it keeps growing beautifully second after second. I don't know either if it's love I feel but I know I love the way it makes me tingle when I think of you or hear your voice. It's the most calming effect ever. I never want it to end!

SOCIAL DISENTANGLEMENT

Hi *giving a short wave*, my name is Fatima Umar, and I'm a social network addict. Yeh, you probably know me on Twitter as @Fatumoriginal and on Facebook as Falmata Onherown (what a weird name). On other networks, my name is basically Fatum.

This is not an abnormal case now, in fact, it's those who have no much interest in social networks that we tend to look at as abnormal and missing out on the fun. I actually think they are lucky. I pray so hard for the day when I can look at any social network and just sleep off or wake up without thinking of any one of them. I tried, trust me, deactivated my accounts on numerous occasions and reactivated them again or opened a new one. I mean, it is just so easy and so un-leave-able and so much more fun than being with real human beings, me included. Just interfering in others conversations or seeing new words, new stories, events, and happenings. I even get to find out the latest news, and I am not a news person so it's a pretty big deal for me when I can be the 'informant' uh huh!

This is a really very hard addiction to shake off, I know, I've been addicted before and I was blessedly able to quit! Right now, I'm working on a new method; no social networking during the day ....when I say no social networking I mean not visibly appearing on my home page but I of course watch what other's are posting and restricting myself from posting anything. It sounds easy, but trust me, it's not. I know, I know why am I logging into my accounts when it makes no difference, right? Wrong! It does make a difference, it's like going to the bakers shop with money and seeing what you want, what you really, honestly and sincerely do want to eat, what you have been craving but still manage to look at it smile and walk out with your itching palm clasped tightly over the money! So do you have the clear picture now?



I still have my dream of quitting or being less addicted to it, try to make it like a pain reliever I NEED to take because of pain and not HAVE to take because it makes me feel good. So, I wish me all the best, and you too. *wink and wave*

Thursday, August 16, 2012

AUGUST BLUES; MONA'S DEATH

Mona was three years younger than me. Like me she was born with Sickle Cell Anemia. She was really an ordinary child, never spoke much, never got into trouble, she was just an “on her own” kind of person, and she loved to read. Mona loved the few friends she had with all her might. I easily passed for her best friend. We shared our secrets and thoughts.

She looked far healthier than me, so many people never ever imagined that she would die before me. I fell ill more often than Mona, had to be admitted more often too. But the thing is, once she fell ill, she fell really ill; she would be totally down, she would lose weight, lose her appetite, and just not be fun at all. I was more fun when I fell ill, I am *wink*. Maama hated the Mona-session of illness. I was usually the calmest and she would tell Maama not to worry, Fatima will stay with her.
Mona got transfused before I did by a month. I don’t know what that story is, but I remember it was our daddy that donated blood for her. She was his baby. I remember him picking her up and saying ‘I would give you my heart to never seeyou this way again.” Our dad was hardly ever around so for him, that was probably the worst day of his life.

My older sister had given birth in June 2001, two months before Mona died (August 2001) and I had gained admission to Bayero University, Kano to study medicine (not my choice).This made us both in Kano, but our parents lived in Lagos, Mona had just concluded her first year of senior high in Nigerian Navy Secondary School, Ojo, Lagos. They therefore came to visit us in Kano.
The weather is terrible in the northern part of Nigeria. And Kano is no exception. They came during the rainy season so it wasn’t so bad, but I think the stressof the journey and a change of environment may have been the triggering factors. I don’t know and it really doesn’t make any difference now.
I had spent a couple of days with them and I was helping to relieve her of the pain and probably by the third or fourth day she was feeling better so I decided to go back to the hostel and Maama said she would leave on Monday.

It was a Saturday night, the last time I saw Mona. We were having our usual conference-for-two, laughing and just reliving the days when I was still with her in secondary school. She was saying “don’t worry, I will come and join you here” I started laughing and told her “every girl for herself.” It was a rainy night and as usual there was no power supply. She was complaining to me about her backsliding in her prayers since she arrived Kano and how very sad she was about it. She wanted to go back to Lagos. I don’t blame her; I wanted to run to the hostel myself, LOL! I didn’t need to go back to the hostel, but I still don’t get why I insisted I wanted to leave!

She kept on begging me to stay but I absolutely refused. She followed me round the house, wherever I went, she was right there, LOL! Finally I had to stop her but she said something to me, which I think, even if I forget all the words I have ever heard, I will never forget those words. She said “Fatima, please stay. You don’t know if this is the last time I will ever see you.” I gently shoved her aside and told her not to say such words. But I walked over to the window unseeing, asking myself why she was talking like an old woman about to die. It worried me. I would have stayed if my friend hadn’t called to confirm if I was coming or not. And I would have stayed if IK hadn’t come backwith the car and asked “Fatima, are you ready?” no I am not blaming either of them. It was meant to be. I hugged them all and promised to call them.
On Thursday 16th, August, I really wanted to speak with Mona, know how she was. I was missing her. I went round the whole of Old site looking for a working payphone, but nothing! So I came back feeling sad and just not proper.

Friday 17th August, I woke up feeling good and normal but determined to speak with Maama. After classes and Juma’a prayers, my friends and I went for some ‘memory time’. By the time we had finished, I was in quite a depressed state. I really need to talk with this people, since they left on Monday; I haven’t bothered to check on them. That was all I was thinking of. I went to Kofar Kabuga and even beyond there. No luck. What is the meaning of this? I was wondering to myself. I walked back to the hostel after an hour of fruitless search for pay phones.

When I got to my room, a friend/roommate was there so I told her what had happened and she was just saying “eyya, eyya. Toh, haka Allah Ya so” That’s Hausa for “it’s the will of God”. I didn’t even notice that she was being evasive, avoiding my eyes and any long discussion. Then she said casually, “One of your sisters-in-law was here, what’s her name again….Nana or Mama I really don’t remember. She said you should go home because you have an important message.” I was a bit startled, “important message?” Please even if I was sent millions of USD nobody would come to tell me. That was what I was thinking. And then I became worried.
So I asked my close friend, Hadiza to follow me home because it was already dark. We left immediately. On the way I just looked at her and said, “I think my father’s ship drowned and he died. Or maybe the plane crashed and he never made it to Japan. I think my father is dead.” I knew something was up, just couldn’tthink of anybody else dying or dead. And I couldn’t think of a more important message than death!

On getting home, my sister was in the kitchen, the babysitter was carrying the baby in the living room. I also noticed her husband was in town. I was super excited I forgot for a while what was bothering me. We greeted the nanny and my friend sat with her playing with Anisah, the baby. I ran to the kitchen and asked “Amina how far? How is daddy?” she replied “daddy is fine.” I heaved a sigh of relief then asked “what of mommy?” she said “mommy is fine too.” Then I turned to leave. As I climbed the 2 stair cases from the kitchen, I whirled round and asked “enhen, what of Mona? How is she?” she just smiled and said“Mona? Mona is fine!” I knew something was wrong, so I asked again if anything was wrong she said nothing and I should go perform my prayers.

So I went to the guest toilet and as I was coming out, I heard the nanny saying“kanwarta ta rasu”. You see there was a problem there, I wasn’t sure at thattime if it meant ‘her sister’ or ‘her friend’ has passed away. My Hausa was just beyond poor!

I sat on the closest chair and asked my friend what she meant, but Hadiza just pretended to be playing with Anisah. Then Amina came out of the kitchen and asked if I had prayed, I replied not yet. She asked me to quickly get to it because food was almost ready. When we went into the room, she held my hands and told me to sit on the bed beside her. She said “Fatima, Mona is gone!”

Saturday, August 4, 2012

MY ADDICTION, MY PAIN


August is probably the only month I don’t seem to enjoy psychologically; so many losses, irreparable damages, and haunting memories. I thank The Almighty that I am still alive despite it all.
Off the top of my head, I’ll let you in on some major incidents that have happened to me in August: I got divorced in August; My younger sister died in August; I got 150% addicted to Pentazocine and Promethazine in August. And some other unfortunate incidences.

About my August divorce, well I’m yet to get the right motivation to write about it, so won’t go into its detail here, not just yet. I already have a story on My Sister’s death, which I’ll be posting pretty soon (keep your fingers crossed). This leaves me with my Drug addiction to elaborate on….*sighs*
SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!

Well, in all honesty, I was addicted to the drugs since when I was pregnant. But I really can’t say, because I was only given when in pain which was daily or every two days depending on how far I had ‘stressed’ myself. So it actually started with its use during my Painful Crisis, then it progressed.

The urge and need for it became deadly right after I got divorced. I couldn’t sleep without it. I couldn’t think of anything happy without it. It just set me in the right mood to relax and have ‘high’ hopes.

I went to very extreme measures to get that drug. I couldn’t very well fake I had sickle crises every time, so I resorted to illegally borrowing prescription papers from doctors’ table when they were not on seat. I would take them and just scribble….OMG I actually don’t remember how it is written any more(Alhamdulillah)… anyways, I would scribble on the paper exactly the way the doctors did and I would sign …. fake signature, of course.

Sometimes, when the prescription paper started looking suspiciously worn out and I didn’t have the means to get a new sheet, I would go to ‘chemists’ I won’t call them pharmacists, because the pharmacists NEVER sold without the paper and they sometimes even marked the paper so I don’t use it again!

The closest chemist knew me already so most of the time I took on credit and when I had money, I would pay back. He was really patient; he never embarrassed me or hassled with me. He said I always paid the time I said I would! I never even took note!

I remember this one time, I was very broke, but my body needed the Pentazocine pretty bad. I went to our next door neighbor seriously crying that Aisha’s milk had finished and I needed #1,500 for a tin. I feel so ashamed right now!

It didn’t matter to me, who I bought it from just so you don’t think I was being a choosy addict. I just did that so the people around wouldn’t get suspicious. I was very careful…..Although thinking back now, I think my female cousin was suspecting me and Maama too! They just had no proof. I was working really hard to make sure they didn’t get one, too!

But you know, I didn’t really have to try that hard… my main complaint was headache, and true, without the drugs I would just have head splitting headaches, neck aches and any other affordable ache.

I did mention I had given birth that time, right? Well I had my beautiful Aisha. I was a great mom every day until I injected myself. I would get so irritable when she cried at night to be fed. Sometimes I just put her pacifier in her mouth to keep her shut for a while I wanted to‘sleep’ I think the word should be ‘float’.

When I took those combinations, I felt a wave of relief and a smile would spread across my face. But deep down me felt so bad because I was injecting myself right in front of my daughter! What sort of example was I planning on setting? I cried deep down!

Maama would say, “I advise you to take care of yourself half as much as you are taking care of your baby because if anything should happen to you, I’m really sorry to say but nobody, not even me will be able to care for her the way you will."

The unfavorable effects of the drugs on me other than the ‘welcomed’ highness were;

1.     Sweat: I would sweat profusely and being in Lagos that was not a very comfortable feeling. I felt sticky when it dried up.

2.     Itchy: My body would be randomly itchy especially my nose. It was such a sight, seeing me roughly rub my nose or scratching it!

3.     Dizziness: this comes with a host of effects; hallucinations, ‘increase’ in sound whereby my voice and others voices seemed 10 times louder, and I felt as if a vacuum was sucking the air out of my ears.

4.     I become a very annoying talkative! I talk and talk and talk to anyone around willing to listen. Normally, at home I’m a quiet person and like to be left alone.

5.     This is a good side effect, I get very hungry. Those days, I hardly ate. Normal thing by the way, but with those drugs, wow! I asked for everything available to eat.


6.    I didn’t get sleep at all even though it seemed I did. After the drugs had worn out, I would sleep so peacefully

7.    I became hyperactive, I would want to wash and clean, but when there was electricity available, I would just iron Aisha’s clothes.
I carried on like that for a year. When I was coming to Egypt, I bought an entire carton with 12packs and in each pack were 10 ampoule's!
I am extremely grateful to Allah that I have been free since October 2010. I pray other addicts get the courage and motivation to stop.
Alhamdulillah for Aisha.