MY ADDICTION, MY PAIN

August is probably the only month I don’t seem to enjoy psychologically; so many losses, irreparable damages, and haunting memories. I thank The Almighty that I am still alive despite it all.

Off the top of my head, I’ll let you in on some major incidents that have happened to me in August: I got divorced in August; My younger sister died in August; I got 150% addicted to Pentazocine and Promethazine in August. And some other unfortunate incidences.

About my August divorce, well I’m yet to get the right motivation to write about it, so won’t go into its detail here, not just yet. I already have a story on My Sister’s death, which I’ll be posting pretty soon (keep your fingers crossed). This leaves me with my Drug addiction to elaborate on….*sighs*

SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!

Well, in all honesty, I was addicted to the drugs since when I was pregnant. But I really can’t say, because I was only given when in pain which was daily or every two days depending on how far I had ‘stressed’ myself. So it actually started with its use during my Painful Crisis, then it progressed.

The urge and need for it became deadly right after I got divorced. I couldn’t sleep without it. I couldn’t think of anything happy without it. It just set me in the right mood to relax and have ‘high’ hopes.

I went to very extreme measures to get that drug. I couldn’t very well fake I had sickle crises every time, so I resorted to illegally borrowing prescription papers from doctors’ table when they were not on seat. I would take them and just scribble….OMG I actually don’t remember how it is written any more(Alhamdulillah)… anyways, I would scribble on the paper exactly the way the doctors did and I would sign …. fake signature, of course.

Sometimes, when the prescription paper started looking suspiciously worn out and I didn’t have the means to get a new sheet, I would go to ‘chemists’ I won’t call them pharmacists, because the pharmacists NEVER sold without the paper and they sometimes even marked the paper so I don’t use it again!

The closest chemist knew me already so most of the time I took on credit and when I had money, I would pay back. He was really patient; he never embarrassed me or hassled with me. He said I always paid the time I said I would! I never even took note!

I remember this one time, I was very broke, but my body needed the Pentazocine pretty bad. I went to our next door neighbor seriously crying that Aisha’s milk had finished and I needed #1,500 for a tin. I feel so ashamed right now!

It didn’t matter to me, who I bought it from just so you don’t think I was being a choosy addict. I just did that so the people around wouldn’t get suspicious. I was very careful…..Although thinking back now, I think my female cousin was suspecting me and Maama too! They just had no proof. I was working really hard to make sure they didn’t get one, too!

But you know, I didn’t really have to try that hard… my main complaint was headache, and true, without the drugs I would just have head splitting headaches, neck aches and any other affordable ache.

I did mention I had given birth that time, right? Well I had my beautiful Aisha. I was a great mom every day until I injected myself. I would get so irritable when she cried at night to be fed. Sometimes I just put her pacifier in her mouth to keep her shut for a while I wanted to‘sleep’ I think the word should be ‘float’.

When I took those combinations, I felt a wave of relief and a smile would spread across my face. But deep down me felt so bad because I was injecting myself right in front of my daughter! What sort of example was I planning on setting? I cried deep down!

Maama would say, “I advise you to take care of yourself half as much as you are taking care of your baby because if anything should happen to you, I’m really sorry to say but nobody, not even me will be able to care for her the way you will."

The unfavorable effects of the drugs on me other than the ‘welcomed’ highness were;

1.     Sweat: I would sweat profusely and being in Lagos that was not a very comfortable feeling. I felt sticky when it dried up.

2.     Itchy: My body would be randomly itchy especially my nose. It was such a sight, seeing me roughly rub my nose or scratching it!

3.     Dizziness: this comes with a host of effects; hallucinations, ‘increase’ in sound whereby my voice and others voices seemed 10 times louder, and I felt as if a vacuum was sucking the air out of my ears.

4.     I become a very annoying talkative! I talk and talk and talk to anyone around willing to listen. Normally, at home I’m a quiet person and like to be left alone.

5.     This is a good side effect, I get very hungry. Those days, I hardly ate. Normal thing by the way, but with those drugs, wow! I asked for everything available to eat.

6.    I didn’t get sleep at all even though it seemed I did. After the drugs had worn out, I would sleep so peacefully

7.    I became hyperactive, I would want to wash and clean, but when there was electricity available, I would just iron Aisha’s clothes.

I carried on like that for a year. When I was coming to Egypt, I bought an entire carton with 12packs and in each pack were 10 ampoule's!
I am extremely grateful to Allah that I have been free since October 2010. I pray other addicts get the courage and motivation to stop.
Alhamdulillah for Aisha.