A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

Dearest Aisha,

                      I pray you are reading this message in an all-round-tip-top condition in sha Allah, and your studies are going great, both Islamic and Western. How are your siblings and friends? I pray you are all in good health and faith, in sha Allah. I am fine and happy and I miss you so very much. I wonder how you look like now that you're reading this. I wonder if I'm still alive and if I am, I wonder when I last saw you!?

Right now I'm writing this letter and it's been 2 months since I last held you in my arms. I miss all your soft, tender, lovable self. How I miss hearing your laughter, stroking you, oh and of course yelling at you *shame faced*.

I remember one time a couple of weeks before you left finally for Nigeria on 5th September, 2012 I beat the mercy out of you. I felt so bad. I went into the toilet and shed a few tears then came out after you had finished crying and gently spoke to you. I said I am sorry Aisha. It breaks my heart each time I have to raise my hand against you but you make me so mad and I don't like your granny spanking you all the time. I know you're a kid, want to play and mean no harm at all but still ... *kiss* I love you my Love and I am really sorry. You are my joy, sweetheart and to see you shed a drop of tear kills me. When you were a baby about 9 months of age, I dropped you on terrazzo floor. It still remains one of my nightmares. I am so sorry about that too.

You inspire in so many ways I cannot fully describe to you. Maybe you will find out about my blog and read through it and when you do, you will come across the story of my drug addiction and how you made me stop. What is not in the story is the exact moment that I fully made up my mind. See, when we came to Egypt you were 11 months and such a smallie *tight hug* anyways, I was seriously into the drugs then and one night after you had gone to bed, I gave myself a dose of it and drifted into the fantasy of it's 'calming' effect. A few hours later I woke, stretched my hands to feel for you next to me but you were not there. I thought you'd gone to the very end of the bed so I sat up to check and you were not anywhere on it! OMG! I thought in a panic where is she? "Aisha" I called out your name as I got up from the bed then I looked back at the bed again....it was really high for an 11 month old to have fallen off! How didn't I hear the thud or your cry for help?! What happened to me? Where are you, Aisha? I looked round the base of the bed, checked your aunt's bed and all around it; nowhere in our room. I went into granny's room and even asked if she took you, but I didn't wait for a reply because I had scanned her bed and you were not on it! I checked the kitchen, nothing. Then the bathroom and there you were with a drop of tear upon your soft chocolate cheek, sitting down playing with the toilet brush! Oh Allah!!! I thank YOU! I sat on the floor, took you in my arms hugging you and apologizing over and over checking if you had any swellings or anything that was not there before I fell asleep. That was the turning point; I told myself "This is it! It's either you stop or you kill her!" 

Once again, thank you so very much for your presence in my life. Right from the first time I held you in my arms I felt in my heart you will be a source of great and good things to come my way, In sha Allah and you have been. You were not a troublesome baby, never cried unnecessarily. Once you had been cleaned, fed properly and burped that's it, till the next meal. There were never in between waking up and you were not a choosy baby; as a matter of fact you stopped breast feeding by yourself when you completed 4 months preferred infant formula (Lactogen-1 was what you fed on). You have been a very easy-to-handle and loveable baby. I love you, Aisha Abdallah Tahir.

You deserve to be with a complete family, a daddy and a mommy, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins loads and loads of them. Around people that you can count on and will be there for you at any time. Letting you go was and still is the hardest decision I had to make. But I know, trust and believe that you will always be safe protected and guided by the Almighty Allah for He said whosoever puts their trust in HIM will never be let down and when you entrust someone or something into the Hands of Allah that person and/or thing is forever safe. I have entrusted you, Aisha, into His Hands so I know you are safe, In Shaa Allah. I always hoped that I would be there when you read your first complete sentence in English and when you learnt Suratul Fatiha, Ikhlas, Falaq and Naas. I always wanted to be there when you begin to lose your teeth. I wanted my hair to be your practice for how to plait hair so I can feel your tiny soft hands tugging and pulling. You know when I visited you on a Friday in February of 2013, you came in from school so excited telling your Mommy "Mommy an bani homework, an bani homework" I felt so jealous! But I knew in my heart of hearts that you will grow up to be a very dedicated Lady in whatever you've set your heart to and you know the right people to ask for help. May Allah always be your first choice of guide, ameen ameen. Once again, I love you so very much, my Little Maama.
I had the best first three years of your life and I have so many pictures and a few videos of them for you to watch. When I showed people your picture they would say "Her eyes are filled with intelligence." I would feel so elated. What a blessed mother I am to have such an amazing, wonderful and blessed child like you. You know sometimes I feel I may never love any other child/children (if I am destined to have more) the way I do you! *embarrassed smile*. There are a few things however I feel is my duty to teach you but since I cannot/may not have the chance to always be with you, I am including them in this letter.
Always try your very best to perform your prayers on time with all sincerity and respect because you are standing in front of The Lord of the heavens and the earth. Know that He may not answer your dua' immediately to test your faith but if it's going to be good for you then He will eventually answer it, In Shaa Allah. It's hard to be patient but we have to be, besides looking at it from another angle what other choice do we have?! Except we want to lead ourselves astray (w na uzu billah). And sometimes if it isn't answered we will wake up one morning and be so grateful for unanswered dua's. Keep making them positive!
Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and in everything. Only when you do that can you be up to any task given to you. And use your free time wisely; a Hadith relates; there are two blessings in which most people are in great loss; 1-Good health 2-Free time. I pray you find joy in engaging yourself in useful tasks. There are so many of them; reading useful books, journals and such, knitting, crochet, writing, baking, experimental cookery, sewing or patching up torn clothes. The list is endless plus it saves you the trouble of gossip/back-biting which is a nasty, terrible habit. Do not engage in it except you have something good to say. When you talk about people, people will talk about you. Never mind that they already do, it's your sin being moved to them. Allah has warned us against it severely.
Never hesitate to be involved in a good act for the sake of Allah. People may and will make you feel like a fool but they know you're not. Have respect and mercy for every living soul, big or small, especially the helpless; there is great reward in it. Family comes first, even though we are really annoying and talking to strangers always seems more blissful. Family will be the last people left with you. Know that some people become family not through blood but through means you may never expect. It's called brotherhood/sisterhood in Islam and humanity and that is how we are supposed to live as a family.
You have a very beautiful smile never lose it! Take  care of your oral health; brush, gargle and say only kind words or keep mute(the Angels around perceive good kind words as we perceive perfumes and bad, harsh words as we perceive refuse)! Keep your environment clean at all times for cleanliness is next to Godliness! Eat healthy and moderately. Be considerate of others but do not let them take advantage of your consideration. There are days your Faith will be completely low, but it's okay! The prophet (SAW) said; "if our faiths were constantly high then we would be walking, seeing and talking to the Angels." We are humans, created to fall and rise in everything including our Faiths. The most important thing is to rise!
I think I will stop here for now, my eyes are filled with tears remembering you. I love you so much. I have no idea how much is "so much" at times! *laughs*. I hope and pray to make a sequel to this letter.
Oh and one more thing you would have noticed, so many other people would have read this before you. The best part, many will be jealous of OUR LOVE! Once again, I love you, bint Abdallah! *tight hug, loving caresses and multiple kisses*