KNOCK IT OFF

You'd imagine at 40 something I'd have learned to trust my guts when it comes to relationships or at least not suppress my instincts... I'm afraid I still do the "give benefit of doubt" "give a million excuses before you conclude" and all those things that girls do to drown the voice of reason within them when it's screaming in silence. You know what, this time around, it was easier to spot the red flags. It was easier to group them under categories according to what I can tolerate without getting frustrated all the way up to "Iwishamuthafuckerwould".

On the third day and without mincing words, I made it clear; I have no time to waste. I'm responsible for my daughter. My life is filled with issues which seems to come more than they go but Allah has forever been Merciful. I have friends whom I trust and consult with, I don't need any more friends and if this is a waste of time I'm ready to disconnect the service. But men will always do what men do; pretend to listen and understand and go ahead to give you all the imaginary positive side of himself. All talk no action. I say, poke at each and every one of those attributes he's associated with himself the truth leaks out eventually try as he may to keep proving "perfect".

The reddest red flag is when he says "you're perfect, I can never find a fault in you" he put you on a  pedestal that's gon break your eager neck. Baby girl, he done did you wrong already. No human is without flaw and if he still insists even after you spotting and naming a flaw of his that needs not be used on you again, then my sweet princess, it's time to dust your skirt and move on.

Anyways, it's difficult breaking away when you suffer loneliness, miss companionship, and generally just want someone you can literally and figuratively lean and count on at all times and who you'd want to do same with you.

I'm okay being alone. It's not as bad on most days as others. I don't need anyone coming along and making me start to yearn for things I'd pushed so far down, things he can't provide but claims to be able to. I've lived all word no action and action all opposite to words promised. I can disappoint myself without external assistance, thank you, and knock it off.

RTAs, ONLOOKERS, AND SEATBELTS

Alhamdulillah! I've been involved, from my stunningly flaky memory, in approximately 3 road traffic accidents (RTAs); the first I can recall in the year 2000 was after my secondary school and I was on the way to visit a friend in Navy Town, Ojo, Lagos. I was on the back of a motorcycle and we were just about to cross the other side of either the hospital or the primary school when a car, out of nowhere (it's always out of nowhere, I really don't get why!) had us flipping through the air. I think we rode right into it as it was reversing. Anyways, I fell off and had a deep scratch on my right shin just below my knee (still have the scar). But I was okay, ultimately, so I went to the side of the road and sat down quietly while passersby and witnesses gathered to do any or all of the following; get information for gossip purpose, help, have a story to tell, or just stand and watch. They kept saying "there was a girl on the back, where is she?" I would raise my hand ✋ but it wasn't until one of our math teachers, Mrs. Chukwuma, who was also passing by saw me, stopped and took me to the hospital where the wound was checked and cleaned then I went back home. No visit.

The second accident was when we were on the way to Zaria with Abdallah, in the evening back in 2007, and we were having a good conversation when he stopped replying me which I noticed and wondered why but I didn't bother about it and kept yapping then BANG! the bonnet of our car was crushed beneath a trailer that had occupied the entire length of the road while trying to turn or park or for whatever reason it was stationed thusly. Again, Alhamdulillah! SEATBELT SAVES LIVES! I was thrust forward and held safely in place by the belt. "Bismillah... Alhamdulillah". Those were the two words I distinctly remember saying on impact and halting. Turns out he had seen the trailer and his silence was him making the decision on which end of the trailer would be the least devastating, for sudden break would have made it worse. Therefore he kept his speed and RAM under the tail of the trailer the bonnet went into. What do I know about driving or the physics of cars and roads? Absolutely nothing! Heck! I never even saw the trailer till we hit it. That time was the literal example of "me not using any braincells when I'm with him". I give him credit, he thought right, the car was damaged but the humans were alright.

The third and most recent happened on the morning of Sunday June 8th, 2025, while on the way back from work. It was the 3rd day of Eid el Adha. We had done night shift, from 10pm till 7am, we started the journey 4 staff and the driver. I was the only female so driver said to sit at the front. I cannot overemphasize this SEATBELTS SAVE LIVES! I fastened my seatbelt and we began the trip. My place of work is located about a km from the tollgate of the Cairo - Alexandria desert highway, so it's about 35-45mins to my pickup/drop-off point depending on traffic. It was a clear and smooth ride as the nation was on Eid break but the driver was driving so slowly I was certain we'd reach the next day. Anyways, the first colleague dropped at Nazlet el-Monib and then there was 3 of us, I was to be next (feels like a final destination story right now). We reached Ma'adi and in less than 2 minutes I was to have dropped but POP and CRASH and TUMBLE and SLIDE and everything was upside down. Inna lillahi w inna ilaihi raji'un.

What happened? How did it happen? I was just getting ready to put my cellphone in my bag and next thing I'm hanging and unsure of which of the Azkaars I was chanting while trying to make sure I as well as others in the vehicle were alive and alright. I checked myself and said, okay, it's the seatbelt holding me, now where's the buckle? I believe I checked both sides cos I wasn't sure if it was this side or that side of me, eventually, I found it and I was so relieved that it wasn't stuck or I wasn't stuck and I was able to drop down on my hands and knees and crawl out through the shattered front passenger window obtaining some scrapes and tiny shards of glass underneath my skin. I stood up, looked back and the driver was still hanging, alive, but hanging and blood dripping out his head, the other 2 colleagues were at the back and I have not an inkling of how they came out. Passersby stopped to help and security men at the front of the houses they keep also rushed and they were able to pull out the driver. He was bleeding from his head and someone smartly asked for tissue to apply pressure on the wound.

When you're in a car, fasten your seatbelt. Encourage your front seat passenger to do so as well and if available at the back, the backseat passengers should also put it on. As Muslims, you must never leave your home without your going out Azkaar and when you return, you should also recite your coming-in Azkaar. While on the road have your travelling, or getting on/in a vehicle Azkaar. Have a print-out and paste it on your windscreen or glove-compartment. Take all the precaution and trust in Allah and have a safe trip all the time.

SEPTEMBER: SURGERY IN SICKLE CELL

Sometimes surgery comes as part of being a sickle cell and surgery generally is very stressful on the human body so let's imagine how much more stressful it will be on a patient with sickle cell.

As a sickle cell patient we are sometimes going to be faced with having to undergo surgery on an internal organ, or bone. I am not saying we all will but quite a few of us do so. Personally I have had two surgeries. The first one was a Caesarean Section and the second was a laparoscopic cholecystectomy which is the removal of my gall bladder. I had cholecystitis.

For both surgeries, general anaesthesia was used. General anaesthesia (GA) is a combination of drugs that cause sedation, paralysis, amnesia and analgesia. They act together to help a patient undergo a painful traumatic surgical procedure without any sensation which is actually the Greek meaning of ANAESTHESIA. The main mode of action of GA is on the central nervous system. It suppresses the CNS which results in the above mentioned characteristics. Like with all drugs, there are side effects to GA which is why before heading for surgery the anaesthesiologist responsible for you life and health, literally and figuratively, comes in to ask questions, personal and somewhat uncomfortable questions which we have to answer truthfully 100% and not intentionally omit or distort any truth because it could mean the difference between a disastrous and successful surgery. They ask questions on past surgeries you may have had including dental procedures,  there's mouth inspection too, age, on allergic reactions to foods, fruits and drugs, history of substance abuse, what drugs you are on both orthodox and herbal drugs, blood transfusion history and some other questions I cannot remember now. These will help them decide the right anaesthetic dose and duration and what to look out for during and after surgery.

Some of the risks of GA include postoperative vomiting, nausea, death, pulmonary embolism (this is blocking of the pulmonary artery which transports blood from the heart to the lungs by blood clot, air or fat) which in sickle cell can cause acute chest syndrome (ACS) and death. As mentioned above GA acts on the CNS and the CNS as we know from secondary Biology controls the activities of the body, it comprises of the brain and spinal cord. So if it controls our entire body activities and GA suppresses its activities we can only guess how very conscious and precise our anaesthesiologist must be. They have to monitor our hearts and lungs by our vital signs (blood pressure, pulse and breathing rate) since we cannot, move talk or tell them what could be wrong during the procedure.

It is the duty of the lead surgeon to tell the patient and relatives of the patient all the risks involved during and after the surgery and the means by which they can be prepared to prevent such from happening or if they happen the means by which to treat it. You should never go in for a surgery half prepared or relying on Faith without action. It does not work that way. I realize in Africa we have fear of being told the truth and we consider the messenger as the cause of the probable effect. Some people go on to harass the nurse or Dr who informs on what might happen so they have stopped telling us and just say everything will be fine then it goes wrong and the patients are left in chaos and confusion on what and how to solve such emergent issues.

Surgery does not have to be a death sentence. Be informed! Information is key to better health. 

SEPTEMBER: HARASSED WHILE HELPLESS

My name is *Sabrina Fahdeddeen I am 25 years old and I was born with sickle cell anaemia (of course I was, it isn't a communicable dx or a dx that is acquired later on on life) all the same, I live with my aunt who is a working class lady and the only relative I have (who's willing to take care of me) she lost her daughter to sickle cell and then took me as hers when I lost both parents in an accident. She has taken very good care of me and shown me love  and care exactly like my mother would. Last year, 2017 I had a major, major sickle cell crises while she was on a business trip overseas. It was the longest and toughest I have had in a long time. Actually before that I have not had crises in 6 years! I do not know if this counts as an experience of a sickle cell  patient but I feel the need to say this as I have not been able to talk to anyone just yet.

When the crises started I sent my aunt a Whatsapp message informing her about it, since it was very late at night and there was nothing I could do except wait for morning. In the morning I went to the private clinic in which she registered us and I was attended to. In the clinic there was this particular Dr who never greeted patients, was rude and pompous and once I was passing by and heard him yelling at a helpless patient something about the patient setting his own line by himself. I was completely shocked. A few hospital visits later I found out his name and spoke to him politely about the first time I saw him and how he treated that patient. He kept trying to make excuses that some patients are annoying and frustrating. Well boss, I know. I am a patient and have been one forever. We try our best and trust me, the majority of us do not ever want to be in your consulting room nor emergency room. But here we are...like we say in pidgin English "na condition make crayfish bend" so you as a Dr or nurse MUST control yourself and be understanding, patient and tolerant. If we could set our IV lines, we would do so at home. If we knew the right drugs and doses to take we would take them at home, peacefully without bugging you or ourselves going to the hospital.

His name was Dr. *Halilu Abubakar and I talked to him about his treatment of patients and his need to develop more patience with them. He was the one who got to attend to me. I was admitted in a single room and the nurses and attendants were all kind and polite to me,checking on me and taking care of everything I needed before my aunt would return to take over. Dr. Halilu was also among those who would check on me between his rounds and clinic.

One evening while a new IV line had just been set for me on my foot and I was given double dose of pentazocine and half promethazine which all made me sleepy, sleep and generally sedated, and pain  free, Dr Halilu came into my room and started putting his hands up my sleeping T-shirt and squeezing my breasts, he raised the T-shirt and started sucking my breasts as well. I would open my eyes and ask him to stop, tried to push him away but I could not make any sudden movements so as not to disrupt the IV fluid flow. I tried to scream as well but was so sleepy and weak all I could do was beg weakly between sleep for him to stop.  He got beside me and put one of my hand on his penis. He continued like this for quite a while, I cannot say how long, but he finally got up and left. He came back the next day while I was in the same condition and did the same thing. It was terrible and this time I cried begging him with tears to stop but still couldn't make enough sound to attract attention. Finally he left. He came back the third day but I was on very little pentazocine so I was not sleepy or as week. I screamed out when I saw him step into the room. I screamed for him to get out and he kept trying to calm me. But I kept yelling "get out! Get out!" until he finally did.

I was in the hospital for about two weeks, my Aunt had returned, continued taking care of me till I was discharged. He never came back to see me. After being discharged I went for followup clinic and I saw him. I confronted him, asked him why he did what he did and he said it was to help me feel better. I was stunned, and asked which part of medicine were they taught to sexually touch a helpless person who was asking and begging  for it to stop ? He just kept insisting he wanted me to feel better. I had to walk away from him but I will never forgive him not forget.

NB: *All names have been changed to protect the privacy of story teller

SEPTEMBER

What do we know about September? Some will say it is the ninth month of the year. Some will say it ushers in the autumn. Some will say they were born in September. Some will say their loved ones were born September. Some will say they lost a loved one in September. Some will say they got married in September. Some will say "it is Fatum's birthday month" *winks* September is so many different things to so many different persons but one thing we all have in common with September is the dedication of this month as Awareness month to Sickle Cell Disorder.

September is Sickle Cell AWARENESS month!!!

Wait a minute...I thought we had something sickle cell-ish in June? Yes Ma'am, we had World Sickle Cell DAY on June 19. Did I hear you grumble? You feel it's too much days for "just" sickle cell? I am SHOCKED by your attitude!

Do you know Sickle Cell Disorder is one of the highest genetically inherited blood disorder? 

Do you know it is among the highest cause of under 5 mortality rates esp in Africa?

Do you know there are different types of sickle cell disorders depending on race and region?

Do you know people living with sickle cell are among those who are stigmatized?

Do you know sickle cell patients are among those who are at risk of abusing drugs?

Do you know people living with sickle cell are highly prone to being depressed?

Do you know sickle cell patients are among the smartest, brightest and most intelligent when it comes to cognitive abilities?

Do you know friends and family of sickle cell patients can spend at least half their lives shuttling from home to hospital?

Do you know sickle cell disorder has no widely accepted and affordable cure yet?

Do you know sickle cell patients are prone to any other disease? You think of a disease and yes, we can develop it!

Do you still need me to go on about sickle cell disease?

Well, there is a lot many of us do not realize about sickle cell so we can and must dedicate a whole month to this disease. We just want everyone in every part of the universe to be AWARE...maybe one day we'll move to Neptune so, yes, the UNIVERSE has to be aware!

The truth remains sickle cell cannot be eliminated it will be very unrealistic to say that is the aim of awareness. In West Africa, for instance, we need the HbS (haemoglobin S) gene to be able to survive the malaria parasite. Persons with the sickle cell trait (HbAS), that is,  they have a normal gene HbA and an abnormal gene HbS, have been shown to have very high resistance to Malaria parasites. This can be related to their red blood cells (RBCs) not being completely healthy to support the thriving of the parasite yet not completely sickly to have an effect on the RBCs.

Have I made sense so far? No? Please do not hesitate to post your questions in the comments. Thank you.

Thanks to some very lovely persons, I will be posting different experiences of patients and relatives of sickle cell patients through out September. In no particular order of days and their names will be interchanged for privacy purposes.

God bless you <3

MINE IS NINE

Yes she is! Alhamdulillah! My piece of heaven is nine years old. Aisha T. Abdallah turned 9 today and I am so thankful to Allah for her being given to me when I absolutely do not deserve her and I know definitely she does not deserve a mother like me but still, I am ever so glad I have her. She is the one thing I can brag about. Being pregnant with her, giving birth to her, taking care of her for the short period of time I got to, I NEVER get tired of talking about it. Heck! people know the story by heart now LOL! Will still tell, don't care! *sips honeyed green tea*

She is a young lady now. She is smart, bright, loves to play, hums to herself tunelessly while playing alone. She is beautiful, she is strong, she is enduring and patient. I heard her cry silently to herself one night she was with me for the holidays and it broke my heart because I know it was not the first time she had done so and she has never complained or said anything wrong or bad. Like I said, she is enduring and patient. She loves innocently and fiercely, she is brave and mature. She is kind and compassionate. She loves to share whatever she has with other kids, always thinking of her younger brother; so sweet. She loves babies which reminds me of me as a kid, and she's been asking me for a baby sister and/or brother.  Says she'll take care of them/it for me :')

You know how mothers are? We love to assume our kids are perfect. I know mine isn't perfect but I also know she is wonderful and a blessing to me and eventually, in shaa Allah, to all who will cross her path. That's why my prayers for her now, later, tomorrow, next week, next year, forever and always are: 

1- Allah's guidance of her heart, mind, soul, body, thoughts, speech, sight, hearing, movement and actions on to the right path. They should always be solely for His sake and by His Grace.

2- Allah's mercy for without it, no human can survive.

3- Allah's protection for whom so ever He protects, nothing and no one can harm them. 

4- Allah's Grace this has been and will be the only way anything and everything is achieved.

5- Be filled with love for Allah, His messengers and prophets, respect for His books and Angels.

6- Be hardworking, honest, loyal and wise in all her dealings. To learn when to let go and cause no harm or hurt and to have no pride when she's wrong and apologize. To leave arguments for the sake for Allah even when she's right; it is the hardest thing to do but it is always the best.

7- To love and respect her family and try to find the good in a bad situation. To be filled with compassion for the human race. 

8- To be surrounded by persons who will remind her of Allah always, who will be her support and she will be their support. People who will try to cheer her up when she's sad, who will pick her up when she falls, who will fight for her when she can't and who will rejoice with her when she succeeds. I pray Allah takes away, from her path, people/animals/jinns who only intend to use her, gain from her then discard her, people who want to harm her and ruin her life, people who have no value to her nor her to them and most importantly to protect her from the evil of herself and thoughts.

9- Lastly (but not the end, will stop cos she's 9yo) may Allah bless her with Imaan, enrich her with His knowledge which will always see her through any and every trial He may have written for her. Imaan that will last far longer than her last breath on earth.

AMEEN!

Seeing as we had the celebration the weekend before her birthday, 15th July, 2018, permit me to tell you she was so excited. Could hardly sit still for a second. She was so very happy and pleasantly surprised by the second cake she had, she was delighted.

It gladdened my heart like it always gladdens my heart to see her excitedly happy. May she be blessed with reasons to have such happiness in her life forever. Ameen!

Like always my beautiful chocolate cake, I love you and will love you forever, always till my last breath. You are my priceless Princess <3

SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BLUE, SOMETHING OLD AND SOMETHING BORROWED

Well, the title sounds like I'm about to make y'all read on marriage or weddings and stuff related to marriage or weddings but I'm not and I'm sorry I misled you *offers apology snacks, food, hugs or drinks as the case may apply*

Generally most people assume I'm an "I've got my life in order, a clear perspective, go-getter, I know what I want and a very keep-it-together girl" but I'm not. I mean, yes I do know what I want, for the most part lakin what I want isn't always what I get or have so I make do with what I have. You know, life...lemons.

When I was in level three, back in 2005/2006, I wanted and hoped to the highest heavens that I'd be hit by an oncoming vehicle and be killed. Suicidal thoughts, it's called. I tried explaining it as I'm not thinking of killing myself but I just hope something kills me and very fast too. It's still suicidal, they said. I was tired, unmotivated and felt very worthless. To be honest that feeling has never really left me and I seem to trust people, men, who fuel the worthless feeling and ladies who take advantage of it but I've known my lady friends now and I have less of those advantage takers around, Alhamdulillah.

So, I have Daddy issues which has made me have a very disastrously poor judgement of the kind of man I deserve to be with. I love my Daddy, you can think otherwise but you still need to know. He's the reason I'm around and he has tried to be there for me, my sisters and mother the best way he knew how to.

My Daddy is  a Marine Engineer and a very,  very, Veryyyyyy excellent one. He can tell an engine (generator) is faulty just by the sound and he can tell you which from among a hundred blaring at the same time! He's awesome at his job. He's very intelligent too. He loves to read; had loads of books on stuff that I have no patience to remember right now. He read newspapers daily. Bought Daily Times, Vanguard and one other which, yes, I can't be bothered to recall! I remember after my level 2 exams I returned home for the holidays and I was telling him how worried I was that I'd fail Biochemistry and he smiled and said, "No you won't. I was very good in biochemistry so I think you are too." Then guess what?! He went on to teach me about polypeptides and pathways and those calculations in biochem...people, I was embarrassed at myself. I couldn't recall any single thing I just kept nodding my head like a lizard! He did this about 40 YEARS ago and me, well I did it about 40 DAYS ago! So yeah, shame on me!!!!! He knows arithmetic (how he calls mathematics) so well SO VERY WELL according to him and a former colleague of his, he was called M.C. Durrell in their days because apparently, that was the name of the author of their arithmetic textbook..... I'm sweating writing about him *gulps water to avoid dehydration*.

Daddy was hardly around during our growing up years, his job took him to all parts of the world for very long periods. Remember NNSL, Nigerian National Shipping Line? He was among the pioneers of that very beautiful ship. What of MV Abuja? (where MV means Moving Vessel) he was among those who went to bring it to Nigeria from Poland. He invited us to his cabin. So cosy, beautiful and lovely. That ship was very amazing and it's such a shame she had to end up in ruins! He took my late younger sister and I forgot r a tour right down to the basement of the ship, the engine room. He called it his Home! He expected me to know the technical names of a ship; you know, deck, starboard etc because, I was in Nigerian Navy Secondary School and we were actually taught those terms in JSS 1 Naval Studies but I wasn't paying attention. I never did pay attention to anything in JS1, honestly speaking. Anyways, it was a lovely weekend with him.

Daddy was there through out my primary to secondary school transition. He took me for my common entrance examination which took place in Queen's College, Yaba, Lagos. It rained that day. He filled my application form for Nigerian Navy Secondary Schools and he wrote my surname as Umaru which is how he spells his and I remember being very upset telling him I want to be Umar and him saying there's no way Father and Daughter can have different spellings of their names. I didn't talk to him all day! He was so proud of me when I got the Navy admission.

When I gave birth to Aisha, he was so excited. When I went back home after my divorce he was supportive, understanding and kind. He helped with Aisha when he could. Daddy calls me on 9th or sometimes 23rd September singing the Happy Birthday song and it amuses me so I haven't had the heart to tell him it's on 4th September... It's love *falling hearts* plus, that he remembers it's in September is a very big deal too!

When Mona was down and needed blood transfusion, he was there for her and I remember very clearly him saying to her "If you need more than my blood I will give it to you. So don't ever worry about anything anytime it comes to your health." He was also very proud of her when she got her Navy admission as well. Although he didn't handle her last days very well, he seemed to be absent and when he was present he had misunderstandings with the nursing staff. No, *smh* he didn't handle it well. Then she died. He didn't handle the condolence visits well either, which actually later made Maama laugh when she remembered.

Daddy stayed with Amina when she had her psychological issues although he never believed it was medical which is really quite something because our Maama kept telling him it was medical and he kept insisting it was spiritual... Well, we know who won!

Men, listen to your wives. They know stuff you'll never know!

Daddy's story is my Something New; I've never written about him.
Daddy is my Something Blue; sometimes he makes me sad (blue) and sometimes he makes me happy (blue is my favorite and calming colour).
Daddy is my Something Old; I've had him all my life plus he's old.
Daddy is my Something Borrowed; I know he was given to me for a short while only.

GREAT EIGHT

I am overwhelmed! It's been eight years and you are every memory as joyous as you've been since the first second I knew about you! I know I say this very often but YOU ARE LOVED!!! Not just by me, Maama, your Daddy and family members but by anyone who meets or hears about you. And a lot of us do not have the chance to express or show the love as often as we might wish but for this day, YOUR DAY, we have come together to make sure you have fun, laughter, to make sure you feel loved and special. It is one short day we crammed as much of ourselves and emotions into so you feel you are in our thoughts every single day; near or far.

Joyeux anniversaire, mon petit-aime!!! 

This year started out for you on a very rough note; accident, death, injuries, trauma, hospitalization and grief but you have made it to this day by The Mercy of Allah and I am very, very, very thankful for that. Alhamdulillah!!! I am most thankful for I feel it brought us not only physically closer but also mentally and it created a little better understanding of each other.

So, this year we did the celebration a lot earlier than we usually do, we had it on Saturday 15th July, 2017 for so many family reasons which we are still thankful for. The day turned out beautiful mostly because you were happy and excited. the welcome run and hug I got from you *melts away with love* let all the days of stress-worrying and planning pay off. Alhamdulillah!

So, both aunt Amina (my sister and Mummy's sister) were present, their kids, aunt Zainab and Sa'a's kids too as well as my in-law from Amina's side, aunt Nasira with her kids. Tariq was there too, of course and Daddy's soldiers were present. Mummy made very tasty fried rice, snacks, drinks and salad to celebrate the occasion, to be honest, our tummy's were very much happy too *chuckles*.

Even though we had to rush the event due to late arrival and need to depart early for distance and safety reasons, we all had a great time; singing the Happy Birthday song, watching you blow out your figure 8 candle and cut the cake! You radiated joy!!!

Again, I love you. We all do. You bring us together, make us all happy and teach us how to remain strong even when it seems bleak. May Allah always be your strength, comfort and guide. May He always keep you safe, protected and guided onto the right path and may your Imaan grow daily as you grow and mature into a smarter and more beautiful young girl. AMEEN!!!!!

XOXO

JUNE 19; IN SICKLE CELL DISORDER AND IN HEALTH

How did it get to be June 19 so fast? I mean, I'm not complaining, nooo I'm amazed and grateful that I'm here again. Another year and well. In fact, so very well I can hardly believe I've been suffering for the past year!

Yes, so, if you've read my last post, you'll remember I wrote about my experience and how I've been having constant bone pain aka sickle cell crises ... I can't remember, did I write on that or just the PTSD? Please don't make me read my post *BBM crying emoji* Anyways, I have been having recurring SC crises and I've been put on basically all the analgesics there is to be put on; from the ones that make me slightly dizzy and drowsy and sleepy to the ones that out right make me a drunken person who has never taken alcohol to point of being drunk. Yes please. I have taken alcohol, as a kid, when all those scammers would come to desperate mother's of sickle cell patients and tell them take such and such it will CURE sickle cell in three months and the poor blessed mother's would obey. Not being medical or scientific to understand that diseases of the genes can only ever be cured through the genes or never cured at all. But, again, I'm swerving *does Fast and Furious swerving back to original lane* ;) and some of those analgesics gave me severe stomach aches and I believe a bit of dependence on them for when I stop taking I get headaches. Headaches from Hades in the down under world! I think I need a new head, a new GI system or a new self, I wouldn't mind! Pretty please!? *Doe eyed*

The aches (crises) made me visit the accident and emergency of AKTH a lot and I got pricked a lot and my once very good and vibrant veins which used pink cannula began to disappear and then I degraded to blue and now I use the yellow and even with that, the Dr's complain that the needle on the yellow are much, much larger than any visible, useful vein. Word of advice, in your daily thanks to the Lord, be thankful for your veins! It started taking long hours and more than one Dr who gives it more than 3 tries to get a line. Sometimes we opt for IM analgesic before a line is set so as to ease my pain. It started to take a toll on me psychologically, I could feel it but no one could, I've become so good at masking my depression  it's a wonder I'm not fully ... Alhamdulillah! I hang on and find joy in distant love that is pure and will never die, hopefully. I think of how our beloved Prophet (SAW) endured so much but was a comfort to others and I say to myself "Girl! You whine too much! Appreciate what you have before that's gone too!" And damn right that's what I do! Plus I cry a GREAT deal, forget about the ones you THINK you've seen, you ain't seen NOTHING and you ain't gonna see too! It helps ease some of the burdens I feel I carry alone!

On a very lovely Saturday or was it Sunday, I can't recall, Dr AD Waziri came to visit, and, yes I've mentioned it in my last post but, tough! He saw as far as his medical haematological expert eye would allow him see, that I was looking awful and needed help and he said I needed to start Hydroxyurea, I did. I have not regretted listening to him. I feel more energetic and probably less loco *LOL* could it be that it has effect on the psyche as well? That would be great, truly. Especially since its side effects are a lot. A very, very lot!

So, I'm on hydroxy and I haven't had crises in three months just one three days back (June 16) probably stress from exam or something. Twasn't so severe but it was aching and disturbing. Although I still experience headaches and that's another story for another time.

Is it a #Happy #WorldSickleCellDay or JUST a #WorldSickleCellDay? I really dunno and honestly don't care! Everyday to a sickle cell patient IS World Sickle Cell Day. We seem to be increasing in number in as much as we definitely are dying in multitudes as well. Sickle Cell is not on the top 10 list of Non-Communicable Diseases and yes, I know it's a Hereditary Disease but then...I'm tired of arguing!

Good night! 

THROUGH PAIN AND LOVE

I will start by quoting my dear friend of 14 years, Aluta Imam, who every year on a certain day would remind me that not only has a year been added to, but it has also been subtracted from my life. He would say "Fatum, you are a step closer to your grave therefore you have to prepare for it so while people will be crying for you, you will be laughing." Every 4th September I get this sermon, hopefully this year won't be an exception! *fingers crossed*

Alhamdulillah I am 34 years old, still a bit of a dream esp after all the hardship; physical, emotional, psychological, mental, financial, and social as well, I am still here, breathing, healthy and loved sincerely by a good number of very wonderful, trustworthy and dependable people. Alhamdulillah again, again and forever more! *Brown emoji praying hands*

So, I'm supposed to brag about how great, fulfilling, fantastic and terrific my life is/has been for the past year, right? About things I've achieved, dreams that have come true, wishes that have been fulfilled...you know, bore the living day-light out of you make you feel your life is less than mine. But I won't! I love y'all too much to do that! Plus my life really is a chore! *sips Pepsi* September 2016 right through to September 2017 has been hard and as you may or may not know, August has not been my month for a long time now! 

After all these years and stuff I have been through one would think I had grown wise in matters of the heart but hey, I am gracefully accepting my red, bold, uppercase letter L, taking a bow and waltzing off the stage!

A few happenings include;

Had so many sickle cell crises, my Haematologist decided it was time I started hydroxyurea, which I did and with much noticed improvement.

Registered and completed my first semester of the Masters programme I enrolled for last session but could not complete.

Started writing again, got my mojo back, Hallelujah!

Made new friends, THAT is something I doubt I can ever stop doing, even if it is just a single human being a year, it always falls into place. Watched movies solo, in pairs and even in groups they were all fun.

Cooked new foods.

Travelled to a new city, Maiduguri which is the capital of Borno state in North-East Nigeria as a result of an RTA which included family members Lost loved ones (may Allah have Mercy on their souls, ameen).

I hate Whatsapp, a social network. I know, very unoriginal. But I use it cos, necessary! Then something fantastic happened, journalofapetitediva.com sent me a link to our secondary school Whatsapp Group Chat! My Whatsapp has never been alive-r!!!

Got to celebrate my daughter's Eighth birthday with my sister and nieces present. Family is a beautiful blessing.

Had a reunion with some of the neighbors I grew up with back in Festac town, Lagos. It was a lovely wedding. Alhamdulillah.

Started seeing the psychiatrist again; forgetfulness, sleeplessness,  anxiety and panic attacks, headaches and feelings of worthlessness.

I missed the welcoming of @FuadXIV to Kano because I was attending to my man issues! I have man issues and it's disturbing!

I made it through August which is one of the hardest and saddest months for me.

But the most important thing that I consider happened to me was when I finally decided to take back my power. You see, when you love a person more than he/she loves you, they have all the power. They come and go as they please, treat you as they please and feel entitled to the love and everything you give along with the love. There's no thank you for trying it's always your fault any slight misunderstanding because why? You're not supposed to have feelings or opinions in that relationship. Apparently THEY'RE doing you a favor being with you so SHUSH! Feel nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing.

Maybe August isn't such a horrible month after all!

And when Allah said "ask Me" He means ASK Him for He provides for you from where you least expect it when you least expect. 

EID AND FAMILY

Since 2003, I have spent Eid (both Fitr and Adha) with in-laws and yes, they are family through my sister. The best family anyone could ever ask for. 2008 Eids were spent in my matrimonial home but from 2009-2012 I spent my Eids with the very, very especially best person who has ever happened to me, my daughter, Aisha. And right now, I am all smiles and wondering why she had to grow up so fast for we had so much fun with her as a toddler. Eid-el-Fitr 2015 coincided with her 6th birthday and I spent that very beautiful day with her and her family and also with my favourite family in Kaduna. Got to attend Eid prahere with them. Twas mighty fun! Eids with my Maama were also from 2010-2012, if  I am not mistaken, Eid-el-Fitr 2013 I was struggling with my drug dependence problem, probably the time I decided I needed help because I so did not have any fun, was with one of my closest friend and her family.

I love family. I love the idea of family. I love the reality of family. A family to belong to is definitely one of Allah's greatest gifts to all living things. Even if it is a broken, disjointed and embarrassing family, we should still love, cherish and honor every single member of the family. Most times it is hard, I know, no need to sigh so deeply...all families have their black sheep, closet of skeleton, et cetera, et cetera but the best are those who despite all that still keep it together with effort from each member.

Just of recent, members of my paternal family; cousins, contacted me and it was (still is) a pleasant shock (haven't recovered). Maybe one day I'll spend Eid with them. Moving on, 2016 Eid elFitr I was sick and receiving IV fluids at home, alone. Eid el Adha seems to be eluding me, I can't recall where exactly or with whom exactly but I'm thinking it was with one of my closest friend who also lives nearby me. 2017 both Eid in Kano with my one of my longest time and closests girlfriends. Same friend as 2016.

This year, 2018, Eid elFitr was spent at home. It was quiet, gloomy and miserable. I do not like being alone on special occasions even if I be sometimes feeling left out or do not belong, I still like the feeling of being in a loving family get-together. The joyous noise of the kids, parents catching up, teenagers having fun with their friends and getting to visit or be visited. It calms my soul and makes my heart yearn more to be with my own family especially my daughter and mother.

Eid el Adha! Again, with my favourite family in Kaduna and again I feel so loved, appreciated and wanted. We missed the Eid closest to the house so we went to another which took place in Kaduna Capital School. It was beautiful, peaceful, harmonious, the participants were organised and we'll mannered. Alhamdulillah, I really loved and enjoyed the occasion.

We got back home 9:35am had food and set out to greet the Grandma. Returned to delicious roast chicken, grilled potates and a personal cheesecake for me...yummay as all @theculinaryarchitect s foods are. We slept, woke up, ate some more and watched movies. 

Friends who have become family are special and Godsent and we must hold them dear. More often than not, they turn up when and where our family are supposed to.

Eid is family and family is Eid so I believe next Eid, if Allah spares our lives I will be with the people I love the most who love me just as much and more. In shaa Allah. Ameen. 

Eid Mubarak and Taqqabal Allah minna w minkum. Ameen *palms raised to sky*

ONE YEAR: PTSD, CHANGE, FORGIVENESS

Being in the bathroom at home in Abuja during the Easter break of April, 2017 brought back memories of a year ago when; getting to the bathroom was a race with myself, sitting on the toilet seat was the hardest task I had to do, getting up was an equally cruel task, peeing was painful, pooing was almost impossible and the only way I could get relief from all physical body ache was to literally empty the water heater! As a person who is not a fan of having a bath with warm water, I went all out to ensure I cooked myself as an analgesic so I could sleep at night without pain and have a day without wincing. I am so grateful to be alive to re-live the feeling through my writing! It's probably the best way I can do it without bothering the same people I've bothered it with for the past year!

The hardest part of the whole ailment was not having someone I was used to, yes I was with family but they had never experienced such with me and I felt like a burden. I missed my Mummy. I wanted the person I loved the most in the world to be there for me psychologically and as much as possible, physically. But I can't always have what I want, can I? I had all the care anyone could ever need and I will be the most ungrateful person ever if I say otherwise. I am forever grateful and thankful to Mama AA who took care of me probably better than any of my blood relatives ever could have, if they would have! Her entire family are a blessing to me. Thinking of it, I don't think it could have been better than what I got, Alhamdulillah!

I have tweeted about the situation, made a post on it and talked about it so much that my friend, Sophie, when telling her friends about me says "she's going to tell you about the Dr who nearly killed her!" LOL! I had gone around for a long time saying the same thing, pointing out the Dr when I had the chance to and just being in a state of mind I really had no idea how to deal with till I came across an acronym, PTSD, and I wondered, "whatever does it mean?" so I checked it out on line: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Again I thought "whatever in the world does this white man sickness have to do with us blacks?!" Apparently, a lot! First, we are all human beings; same basic physiological, anatomical and biochemical settings, we are all the same by default but we get 'customized' by family genes, environment and experiences and as such, we react to situations differently. Example is what I mentioned above. In Nigeria and Africa, we generally just tell a person to be thankful that they survived a traumatizing incident and try to shut the person up. You know, don't go all mushy and crying and stuff, say Alhamdulillah for it could have been worse. In the Western world, such a person is asked if he/she wants to talk about it, if they want to see a specialist for they have experienced trauma and need help in understanding why, how, when and the likes of it. There are even anonymous group meeting where persons who might have experienced similar traumatizing events meet and talk about it in earnest, where they get help from each other, knowing they are not alone.

I never felt more alone in my life than the past year but I am a fine person, have been, will always be! Carried on with my life as it has always been, drifting through people to end up alone, it is not a big deal, I told myself through tears and hurt. don't be sad and don't think much about it, your death will end it all! But I could not stop thinking about it and I wondered and worried why it gave me so much trouble; I was scared. I was alone. I could have died and my last memories would have been of my young in-laws rushing me to the hospital trying to get me the much needed medical  attention. Me crying in severe and utter agony even after a probable OD of opioid analgesics to help, nothing helped. I seemed to be getting worse, I could see/feel my heart struggling to beat, and finally of me being wheeled to the bathroom by a male attendant to pee and him offering to assist me stand from the wheelchair to sit on the toilet seat and stand from the toilet seat back to the wheelchair but me declining because, well because! That was precisely my last memory. I don't know which day of the week it was or what time of the day it was but I know it was a live living nightmare! And again, I was alone!

After reading much on PTSD, I got more upset because what I needed I knew I was never going to get in the way I desired and craved it. I could go to my psychiatrist but I was not sure I would get 100% we are just not into psychology without drugs! I was scared and alone and trusted the wrong person to understand and be supportive. With all those emotion and no comfort, I took a decision to never return to see any Dr in the hospital I attended for 15 years since they gave the impression I was extra work for them, I would stay home to receive treatment; worse outcome; death, but someone informed me of another hematology team I could see in the hospital. I had no idea haematology was divided into 2; Laboratory and Clinical Haematology. The latter is a unit under Dept of Medicine while the former is a department on its own. The person pointed out the greatest advantage I would have is access to bed space if and when the need for it arose no matter what. To be honest, that is a challenge the Lab Haem team face, the patient can get care during the day time in the Day Care which closes at the end of work hours to re-open the next day. Too much stress for a patient who is in serious pain and needs greater than 8 hours medical service/attention.

Met with a former neighbour who is now a consultant Haematologist with ABUTH, Dr. AD Waziri *claps and cheers* so proud of him! and his first reaction when he saw me told me I am in a whole lot of trouble and no medical expert who has known me long is honest enough to tell me that I need help. He was the first professional to say he thinks my condition is being made worse by psycho-social stress and he asked me to start talking...oh where do I start from?! We talked and he gave very useful advice, forever thankful *hearts*.

As part of my healing process, I decided I would need to talk to the Dr who saw me last when I returned for my follow-up before the whole Acute Chest Syndrome + Anaemic Heart Failure drama occurred. I did see the Dr today, Friday, 12th May, 2017! What a blessed day! Alhamdulliah for friends who motivate and, as we say in Nigeria, "take Panadol for another person's headache". I love you, Sophie *hugs*. So, I told the Dr everything...EVERYTHING!!! And I cried, of course I cried, it would not be MY story without some tears, duh! I'm glad he listened to me and he made me feel he DID listen because he thanked me and assured me he had learned and understood that it was not just a cry for myself (I mentioned to him I am among the blessed/lucky few who have people that know people that know...you get the gist) it was also for those who had no human power except that of Allah and that every patient deserves to feel special with their Dr. and know that they are as safe as any professional human can guarantee them with regards to their health and/or life.

We are figuratively at their mercy when it comes to our health; organically and psychologically. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a medical doctor in Nigeria and I always, always sympathise with them BUT it is harder being a patient in Nigeria, much much harder, very much harder and I feel many of them do not see it that way for they are so very absorbed with themselves; I'm not saying they should be altruistic, no. Yet they have better chances due to being colleagues of each other so they get to Dr each other the way they would personally want to be doctored! Greater health advantage than an ordinary patient.

Like I always say, Health is Wealth! 

DOUBLE THREE, MANY DAYS

I actually never thought I'd make it to 33 years that's 12,045 days multiplying by 365, I dash those other extra days to Neptune. Alhamdulillah is the best, most and really most honest and worthy word I can say about this mercy from Allah! Maybe I'll live to see some more maybe I won't, but these have been a most wonderful, exciting; negatively and positively, fulfilling, disappointing, learning and growing days of my life.

I have learnt a lot from both personal and other's experience and I am very blessed that I know I have learned even if sometimes I don't put what I learn to use! I need to have a talk with myself, maybe over tea and cupcakes, soon!
Here are 33 things I have possibly learned over the years:

1- All things happen exactly when Allah has willed them to happen; not a millisecond sooner or later than its appointed time.
2- Mother's are the best gifts Allah has given. Some are lucky to enjoy them, some are not. Some mother's do things in a way that makes you feel unwanted but they love you, so much while some mother's spoil their children rotten which is pretty much worse than the former. We must learn to be patient with them as they get older and as we mature.
3- A father is a very important part of a child's life esp a girl.
4- Blood does not make family but your blood family are your God-given family and no matter how bad, we must accept and love them as much as we can.
5- It is very important to show/tell all the people you love and care for how much you do care for them NOW! Later is not promised.
6- Health really is wealth!
7- Death makes you remember all things, except to Whom we're returning to, end.
8- Being generous does not mean you have to be extravagant. Moderation helps you live better and happier.
9- Money you work for and earn in a legal Halal way is always full of Baraka (blessing) no matter how little.
10- Saving for a rainy is never a bad idea for those who help you today may not be around tomorrow.
11- Love is all-encompassing. Take it how you wish.
12- Sometimes sharing your problems with a trusted person does help.
13- Spoil yourself; sew a new dress, buy a new shoe, shampoo your hair so it smells sweet on your pillow, go see a movie, cook a new food and invite someone or two over. Make yourself happy. I know most of us are under double opportunity cost system but this life is filled with worries once you're an adult, so once in a while, indulge.
14- Fall in love. It may work out, it may not. It may change your perception of love, it may not. You may do it again, you may not.
16- Learn a skill; there's never only one way to make good money and self-reliance is the best.
17- Don't just go to school, let school go through you as well. You learn better and it lasts longer that way.
18- Sincerely appreciate every effort people around you put in keeping in touch with you, even if they do so because they need your help, it was an effort.
19- Learn your place around people, because you're close does not give you the right to "do your village tinz". We're humans and everyone has their limit. Know when to start and when to stop, when to leave and when to stay. All these considerations endear you to the people around since they don't feel you're a burden.
20- Ladies, take very good care of your bodies; how you treat it today will determine how it treats you tomorrow! If you're not sure, ask. Asking never killed anyone!
21- Gentlemen, be gentle and civil, respect every lady as you would wish other men to respect your sister, mother and female relatives. You should be a blessing to us not a curse!
22- Alone time is a good time to reflect and resolve, a good time to make/reaffirm a resolution.
23- A clean environment is a happy healthy place.
24- Some problems may last your whole life time but Allah still gives you the means to get by, despite the problem. Believe and be faithful in your believes, it will always keep you afloat!
25- Faith is not a constant thing we have; we rise and we fall, the most important thing is we rise again and again and again no matter how many times we fall.
26- As hard as it is, learn to accept people as they are; yes faiths, believes, life style and a lot of things may differ but maybe your act of kindness can be Allah's way of leading them right. You must know however that by "learn to accept" I mean to accept they're human like you and I and treat them how you would love to be treated no matter what!
27- Everyday you're alive and healthy is a good day. It's a day to love who love you and be kind to the less privileged, elderly and kids.
28- Forgiveness. It's even harder than accepting but believe me, it makes you face other problems in your life with less weight.
29- Nobody except YOU is your greatest enemy. Procrastination, down playing your strengths, waiting for validation from others to feel good about yourself...all these are things we can personally handle to the degree we desire.
30- I know they say "happiness is a self decision" I  do agree but many-a-times in order to be happy we need other humans, even if it's just your one person. Man is not an island, they also said.
31- We can never have it all but we must be grateful for what we already have because somebody else is looking for it!
32- Always say the truth even if it costs you, that doesn't mean we have to go about hurting people and their feelings. We can be tactical about telling people what needs to be said even though there's no easy or kinder way to break the truth.
33- Again, love! Love your neighbor as yourself that's a universal religious teaching. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, etc have all been taught this and until we LEARN and UNDERSTAND the TRUE meaning of this statement we will never be able to practice it or know peace in the world!

There! Thirty-three! At Last! And just like I've come to the end, one day my life will come to an end and I pray it's a good one and will be remembered with great fondness and love. Like I'm always reminded every year this day "a year has been added and subtracted form your life today" so Alhamdulillah and I'm grateful to all who have stuck around with me since they've known me. Thank you *blows kisses with imaginary $100 bills*

15 YEARS AND A LETTER FOR THE DEAD

#WCW #NeverForgotten #AlwaysInOurHearts #WeSayALittlePrayerForYou #BurningBright #Friendship #Heartache #Sisterhood #SecretKeeper #SmileThroughMyTears

It's been 15years since I heard of your demise and even though it has gotten easier to talk about and accept sometimes I still shed those tears because I miss you and I wonder how life would have been with you around.

I am always thankful for those many hours we spent at night talking about our friends in school, neighbors and yes, our "Silly big sister" Amina. For those hours we each spent trying to comfort the other through our sickle cell crises, actually feeling and understanding the pain.

I'm so sorry I didn't become a medical doctor like we planned I would be so no sluggish doctor will leave you in pain for hours since I'll be there. I changed my mind and wanted to study Biological Science so I could later branch into Genetics; you knew our disease is genetically inherited, I wanted to get to the root of it and not just stop the pain when it arose, I wanted to completely eliminate what caused the pain. Again, I'm sorry I haven't been able to follow up on the plan. I can openly let you know, I'm a failure and not just in this aspect. I want you to know yet, I've never stopped working hard and striving to overcome my weaknesses and faults to improve in what I can as much as I can. Alhamdulillah I think I'm progressing, slow and steady.

I have so many fond memories of you and I love them all like I loved experiencing them with you. I would live that aspect of my life all over again if there is the chance. I can only pray and work hard that I make Jannah and pray and hope that you're already in there. Our last meeting still plays clearly in my mind, how you followed me round the house begging me to stay in case it was the last time I ever saw you. I still feel the unease and I feel guilty till date for not staying. Nothing was as important as me having to have stayed with you...I don't why I didn't want to stay. I am so sorry I didn't stay.

I love you. Mummy misses you so much Mona and she asked me to give Sadaqa on this your 15th anniversary. May Allah accept it from us and give you the full reward and blessing for it. May your plate for collecting your food never run out of Dua, no matter how little. May you be smiling and not ever be alone or lonely. May your companions keep you glowing till The Day of Resurrection. May you not be in darkness or hardship. May Allah forgive every single sin you committed knowingly and unknowingly, in secret and open, those you asked forgiveness and those you didn't. Ameen thumma ameen thumma ameen!

#PAIN #CHANCES #DEATH #WSCD2016

In Loving Memory of Muhammad Nura Abdullahi whom I met once and my sister Mona Umar, who both died of sickle cell related complications, may Allah have mercy on their souls and cause the pains and worry they struggled with on earth to be a source of joy in their hereafter. Ameen.

Another June 19th and it's World Sickle Cell Day #WSCD2016 and I'm (probably) alive (written on 14th June, World Blood Donor Day 2016) and I feel so, so very blessed especially after my own very critical episode of a sickle cell related complication that I somehow managed to scale, again and in the words of my very dear friend, Zeeman: "You are really not giving sickle cell a chance to take you. You're a fighter!" I am Titanium! Just kidding, it's not my power, I usually have no idea where I am when sickle cell decides to attack in any of its forms. I have been blessed by Allah through my usually awesome medical doctors, the prayers of my parents, friends and loved ones, the thought of my daughter and maybe my will to live, sometimes. This year has been a very tough year and it's not over yet and I really wonder, if I make it till the end, what else will be in store for me?! I know one thing, even though a lot of times it is so hard to remember and believe, no matter what or where or how my next adventure, drama, comedy, sci-fi, tragedy, thriller or horror event may happen, Allah's promise never breaks and for as long as I can remember, He has been Faithful (AL-MU'MEEN). Sadly, many-a-times I am blinded or deafened to the forms in which He has kept His promise and He still keeps it.

But, on to the main issue; WSCD and all the hash tags being done in favor of this day and I hope every single day for as long as Sickle Cell Disorder remains a disease with no cure...*pause*...When I say no cure I mean not everyone with the disease can be rid of it due to many factors. Not that there is no cure, after all BMT has worked for quite a number of persons who have suffered from this ailment! Some of these hash tags include #OneWord which is organized by Sickle Cell Aid Foundation (SCAF) Nigeria and #DoYouKnowYourGenotype organized by Samira Sanusi Sickle Cell Foundation check out their pages on Twitter @SCAF_nigeria @ssscfoundation and on Instagram @scafnigeria @ssscfoundation and donate to their cause in cash and/or kind. We the sickle cellers will totally appreciate.

Moving on, when I saw #OneWord I thought wow! How tough will that be?! And then the first word that came to my mind was #Pain (pretty obvious choice) which includes physical especially physical, emotional, mental, psychological and yes, financial pain! Do you know how painful it is to bring out a large sum of money for something that keeps getting faulty? Imagine you repairing the same problem in your generator or vehicle or handset every other month...yeah? Okay what will be your next thought? Honestly, me, I'm going to get fed up, give the old one out and get a bloody new handset! I pay my medical bills so I know what I'm talking about and I have more love and respect for my parents, Mother, especially. #PAIN!!! But then I saw the sign while I was thinking about my life... since I can't do physical activities I engage in a lot of brain-'wrecking' activities, sadly (the emotional and psychological pain) the sign that said "Hay! You're here today and now after going through so many bad weeks, days, hours and months, with the worst being your recent attack but you still ALIVE! What more do you need? You have been given another chance as you were given after your CS, LC and other attacks you've had to live and love and make right what you made wrong. Sickle cell definitely is more of negative thoughts but there's always two sides to a coin and it's time to flip it and check the positives. You have been given the chances so many times to be the best you can be, to leave a good or maybe even a great memory of you so take it and accept that this disease is your blessing to know the real from the fake and to appreciate every waking moment." After that, my #OneWord changed to #CHANCES and today, I've used this chance to write this piece to ask whoever is reading this to have a heart for sickle cell. I know lots of people are looking to eliminate sickle cell disorder from our community in the near or far future but let's be realistic that might never happen and no need for me to go into explanation but maybe, just maybe it can be reduced through public awareness; schools, from my research, will be the perfect place to start they have a greater and wider reach of audience both through formal and informal education. Left to me, sickle cell should be incorporated into our basic level syllabus. On our own, we can help make life for those with this disease a lot less distressing than it already is. Discrimination in its various forms are what we go through; some more than others for some have more severe cases than others. We need to help them live whatever number of days they have on earth not asking "Why me?" or resenting their parents, siblings, peers etc. We need to show them a little more humanity because believe it or not sickle cell patients are more human than the average human; they're smart, bright, caring, helpful, graceful, active and most of all they're highly sensitive to other human feelings, words and actions; in other words, they struggle not to "offend" anyone with their ailment and carry lots of emotional and psychological pressure due to this disease. They have fears and doubts when applying for school, work or wanting a spouse, someone who'll love and be by their side in sickness and worse.

Medically, I think apart from worrying about the organic(physical) aspect of a sickle cell patient, a little more attention should be paid to our psychological state as well. Personally, after a severe crises I hardly have the heart to interact or be friendly or even have the zeal for anything; anhedonia, Dr. M called it, a psychological medical condition very distressing can lead to depression or BPD so many of us have unsuspectedly found solace in our analgesics and become addicted not of our will but from the pressure the world has unkowingly put upon us. This, the addiction, many dr's have tried to "avoid" by prescribing less addictive analgesics and some have taken it upon themselves to go ahead and judge or accuse a lot of us of visiting their ER or Daycare for a dose of "pentazocine" that's the analgesic mostly used in Nigeria for severe pain. I have always said if the consulting physician feels or suspects the patient of visting his/her ER just for the pentazocine then he/she should go ahead to refer the patient to a psychiatrist/psychologist. It's not in his/her job description to judge or refuse a patient treatment (which is very rampant in Nigeria). Treat and refer.

I don't know what the latest statistics of sickle cell is but as at 2013, Nigeria had the highest annual birth rate of infants born with sickle cell. Approximately 150,000 which is half of the world's estimate of infants born with this disorder yearly. We can do better, we just need more intense awareness programmes that can and will reach the grassroots and lesser privilaged.

Sickle cell is #Pain #Strength #Survival #Hope #Love #Tears #War #Battle #Drill #Death #Loss #Hate #Discrimanation but most importantly, to me it is #Chances and I'm taking and using every chance I get to do the very best in all my goodly endeavors. 

I know my genotype: HbSS and my prefered and perfect type is HbAA. Do You Know Your Genotype??? 

BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH

I was given a follow-up appointment for two days after discharge from AKTH to see the hematologists and as the good patient I am *courtesy*, I went and what a waste of time and energy. I never met an incompetent Dr as this, he discharged me knowing I left with some pulmonary stuff and he didn't listen to my chest or breathing or anything at all. He just asked if I had cough and I said yes and he prescribed cough syrup for me saying they'll see me in two weeks told him they'll see me when I'm ready! I was angry but it didn't matter (I didn't know any better) so I just told myself I was going to Abuja to recuperate at home with family; cool weather, love and laughter! But was I wrong!

I traveled on Thursday 28th April and was already starting to enjoy my break when on Sunday May 1st, I began experiencing pains on both shins and waist from 02:00hrs along with fever and headache. I took all my analgesics, covered up praying for relief before dawn. But by 4am it became obvious that I needed a little more than home remedy and oral analgesics but I had to endure till daybreak. Mama AA applied hot water bottle and massaged parts of my body that ached throughout the entire time of waiting. Finally we left for the hospital by 06:00hrs with Noorah. Here we go; first we went to Peacecare Clinics  (PCC) located at Third Avenue in Gwarinpa but unfortunately for me, the care was not enough to stop my agony so by early afternoon, I had to be referred to The National Hospital, Abuja for a more intensive treatment. The Dr there (PCC) and I had a good healthy exchange of words; he came in right in the middle of my babbles, Dua and tears and started in a very loud voice, almost yell-like in fact I pass it for shouting! Telling me he knows how I feel and I told him he didn't and he says 

Dr: Yes I do know how you feel, you know why? 

Me: *in head* he's going to say he's a sickle cell pt 

Dr: ... I am also a sickle cell pt

Me: That's a lie and stop saying it cos I don't believe you

Dr: Okay, let me tell you something

Me: Then stop shouting at me or else I'm not interested

Dr: You stop crying! 

Me: Is that how you were trained in med school? To shout at your pt? I'm not interested in anything you have to say

Dr: Just stop crying! 

Me: Is that how you were trained in med school? Just leave me alone! 

And he realized I really wasn't going to listen to him! So he kept quiet and said he was sorry then asked again more quietly if I was ready to listen, told him to knock himself out after all I was in his office! I tell you, if you don't have a "fight" with your Dr, then you're not really sick or you're unconscious or dead! *smug grin* By the way, there should still be that little respect and must try to never lose temper completely! So anyways, it took all my reserved energy to have that argument, mind you I was dying from agonizing heart-wrenching pain. He suggested I try to stretch my legs and arms as far as possible and then breathe in and out as deeply as I could then rest to which I responded "That's what I've been doing for the past 3 hours!" and he suggested the use of ice over the areas that ache and I've absolutely forgotten the reason he gave! Well, after spending the entire morning and first part of the afternoon there given pentazocine in probably the highest doses ever given to me legally, and bags of IV fluid with no improvement at all, he decided to referrer me to National Hospital, Abuja (NHA) for more intensive treatment and he promised to check on me! I know, he's so sweet! Well what can I say, he knows better! *swishes veil* On the referral letter, from what I remember, he wrote all the treatment that I had been given and what exactly I needed paramount to any other further treatment which were oxygen and a bloody strong analgesic!

I was ready to burn down the NHA emergency building due to very slow response for just a wheelchair seeing as I could barely walk by then, both legs felt like lead being scraped and were wobbly as new born giraffes learning to stand! Finally I got one and was wheeled into the consulting room of the most nonchalant, hopeless and ineffective medical doctor in my history of meeting medical doctors! My sister's Noorah and Zara who were with me seems were thinking the same thing as me...We wanted to slam him into the walls of the consulting room! He sat looking at us so stupidly with one ankle crossed over a knee and a hand under his chin as if we came in to waste his time. Zara handed him the referral letter but he still asked "What is wrong with you now?" Couldn't he hear my voice trembling or see how difficult it was for me breathing and talking or how pale I had become by that time or how wobbly my legs were when he made me stand from the wheel chair to lay on the bed and then stand again or how I had to beg my sisters to lift me up gently before I could stand and support me before I could sit or lay down. Most importantly didn't he read the letter in his hand????? Zara had to call Mama AA to tell her the type of treatment I was getting and how my condition was getting worse by the second so Mama called someone (Professor) they know who before the blink of an eye had appeared in the consulting room and began querying the lousy dr-wanna-be on why after reading the letter I was still not attended to, oxygen was written as a priority so he should have put me on it first and given me an analgesic to calm me. You know, if I wasn't already beginning to step into the realm of the unconscious I would have gloated and maybe said a few words of mine. He was visibly upset because I heard him telling either Noorah or Zara that there was no need to call anyone, he was already attending to us! *snorts* attending to us indeed! Anyways after that I was wheeled into one of the A&E rooms, I don't remember much of anything again, except when I began to comprehend happenings around me, it was Thursday. Somehow I was dead sometime from Sunday till Thursday! Allah is Great! Alhamdulillah!

When I woke up I had a pink bed-cover from home covering me I was not wearing trousers or skirt or panties or bra just a batik looking tank top and I had on my right inner thigh some kind of short rubber tube which I didn't ask what it was or why it was there and a big white bandage with white-ish plastic-like plaster holding it down to my skin. I had a blue cannula on my right hand and an oxygen tube inserted into my nose and adjusted round my ears and neck. I had a urinary catheter attached to me as well. Of all the attachable I hate urinary catheter the most, it is just so discomforting but I couldn't ask for it to be taken out just yet for I couldn't support myself to sit, let alone stand or walk I needed help for all that and everything else. When I woke up, I saw my love, Zara, first. She was standing and smiling at me. Then in came aunties and some other person I can't remember whom. They had gotten me a carton of Ribena and water; according to them, those were the only things I agreed to take and chocolate drink too. I really don't remember that. Opening my eyes to see them filled my heart with so much joy. Y'all know what, when I was in the unconscious realm I would open my eyes to see a couple of family members, wave at them then shut my eyes again only to open it and see another set of family members and even though they all really came and according to them I looked at them for a while and slept back, to me it was all a "dream" and it was lovely! Later that Thursday, my Dr's said I would need to be transfused with a minimum of 5 pints with exchanges to reduce the amount of sickled RBCs and I was told I'd be transferred to the female medical ward (FMW) in the evening; I had spent over 24hrs in Emergency and the rule is maximum of 24hrs but my condition was so critical they made an exception for me so I could be under constant observation. I was given analgesics regularly, from oral to suppositories to injections to IVs, I was flooded with drugs, after all, I was in a hospital. Oh and there was antibiotics too, necessary cos I had some sort of pulmonary infection as well, but that was since from AKTH where I was just given cough syrup to take, remember?!

Did I mention I later found out that even though  I was brought in for severe VOC I was officially admitted for Anemic Heart Failure?! Imagine that! I always felt sure that my heart would never give into any bullying disease because I have been blessed with so great and powerful a heart but that doesn't mean I ever doubted the power of Allah to inflict me with any form of ailment in any part of my body at anytime of my life! Now I have no doubt that He created the strongest part of me my heart and I can never ever be thankful enough to Him or Praise His Greatness and Mercy over me enough! I had about 5-6 blood transfusion, I reeked of packed blood cells *yuck* and itched uncontrollably; partly from the blood and partly the analgesics. But, before I was transferred to the FMW, a new IV line had to be set and it was decided that it would be a central line which has lesser chances of tissuing or getting blocked like normal veins esp mine which requires flushing every now and then and tissues very fast causing me pain during flows then ultimately is changed. Cannulating me is not a small issue, Dr's were running away from the job in AKTH (it was funny, still is). The femoral catheterization was agreed upon (either that or jugular). *Pause* *rewind to when I mentioned a  protruding white-ish rubber being held onto my right inner thigh by white plaster* STOP! The white-ish tube turns out to be a femoral cannula set how extraordinary...not really! Lol! The first time it was fixed, I was in my unconscious state which made me not know how painful and tedious a process it is which also made me pull it out by steadily scratching the place! Why didn't they tie my hands up after the first cannulation??? *wailing* Anyways it had to be done again, on my left leg this time. Three Dr's were present, the two who were going to do the catheterization or cannulation and the hematologist lady (I should find out her name) who was seeing me, she is my favorite Dr! Kept calling me Aisha and was sweet and kind to me, she offered to hold my hands and let me squeeze them as hard as I could when I felt pain while they inserted it. Painful, most, excruciating process that was ever invented for the living patient! I still feel slight pain so I walk gently because of it. But the upside is no matter how painful the injection that's going to be passed through it is, you'll never ever feel the pain and all blood samples could be taken from there, transfusion and blood exchange also through there, in fact, all IV stuff happens through there! Pretty cool stuff! *wink and thumbs up*And then a nurse came about and tried to do her village thing! 

ATTENTION: The patient always pays attention to what is being done to them not because most of them want to but because it's the only thing that's interesting being done to them. So they know, most of the time, the right technique in carrying out a process! Plus a few Dr's actually take the time to explain what they're doing and why they're using that system.

As I was typing, she tried giving my antibiotic without first flushing my line with the heparinized normal saline solution and when I told her she had to flush first she became angry! Look here lady, I'm not about to lose my limb over your stupidity and that's the way the Dr's have been giving me my meds and stuff; flush, do the deed and flush again! But she wouldn't listen and it hurt! I screamed because it felt like a needle was being stuck right into my joint!  A new IV line had to be set on my right thumb and that hurt too! You know what, at that point in time even looking at me hurt my body, does anyone understand that?! 

I seem to remember a few things that might have happened while I was in my unconscious state, it could be wrong that's why I used 'might'. The hematology lady came to ask a few questions with some other Dr's and even though it's not clear, I remember her asking me about my transfusion history and I remember saying I was transfused after my lap cholecystectomy surgery just a pint and she asked before that time but I couldn't remember any other time except that of when I was 7yo and even though she kept calling me Aisha, I just couldn't remember that I had two after I gave birth and numerous bags during pregnancy. Actually, I had no idea I was ever married, pregnant and have a 6yo going on 7yo daughter named AISHA! It all slipped my mind and what makes me sad is that she called me Aisha but it still didn't make any difference to me. I was confused and scared and it seems it showed in my eyes and all over my face "I don't remember any other transfusion", I said quietly. She asked if I knew where I was and who brought me but all I said was "I had crises by 2 and in the morning we went to the hospital and I came with my sisters..." and I got hooked on the words "my sisters" because I didn't know what happened to them or me! I was scared and she saw it and comforted me saying not to worry its normal and very soon I will remember everything I just needed to rest and that I had done well that day. I nodded my head and drifted back to sleep. I was told by one of my sisters, Hanee, on one of days they came to visit and brought food for me, after sitting me upright with support I started eating when all of sudden the spoon and food on it were hanging mid-air in front of my mouth and when they looked at me, I was fast asleep! Another time I was awake but asleep and Zara asked me if I wanted to drink water, I nodded  my head then she asked if I wanted Ribena instead still a nod, okay how about a small cup of hot cocoa drink? Yup, another nod of my head. Hanee and I were almost rolling on the floor cos of laughter but she said "it wasn't funny then, it was very sad and pathetic cos it seems all your answers were just going to be a nod of your head." May Allah help those who have lost their memory ameen. I remember winking at a male nurse after he inserted a diclofenac suppository for me because he promised to give me pentazocine injection. I was already high on morphine I dunno why I still asked for penta and I am so very embarrassed if I ever see him I will run the other way! But to be fair, I was really in pain that particular day, I think I removed my oxygen tube for a long while so it kinda affected me. Not my fault :'( I was tired of all the things poking me in almost all parts of my body. So I guess that's just about what I can personally remember and two stories from my sister.

At last, Thursday 5th May, 22:30hrs I was moved to FMW, a double room with its own bathroom/toilet and air-condition. There was a patient in there already but they left the very next day very early in the morning and I didn't know the AC was working :'( whatever! I was still on oxygen without it my SpO2 would drop drastically to 79% or 80something%. See this life, oxygen is free and everywhere all we have to do is breathe in atmospheric air while our lungs filter the oxygen we need out of it, I was getting mine out of a cylinder and tubes. Sometimes I would imagine an idiot who "accidentally" takes a smoke near me and my oxygen and we'd  all blow-up! I have to stop watching movies and shows </3. Alhamdulillah nothing of that sort happened and in shaa Allah I pray it never does. So, oxygen, many humans don't realize or appreciate how very great a deal it is for their noses down to the tiniest RBC which transports the oxygen to be fully functional and that the RBCs are intact and can take the required amount without any hassle. Enough emotional stuff, later that night I wished, just a bit, that I could be back in the A/E where the Dr's were seriously regularly checking on me and I could easily get the attention of a nurse. Yes, I knowwwww I love attention a lot but most especially when I'm really sick! Really, who doesn't, even while healthy and well? Oh well, nothing lasts forever and I had my first transfusion just before was taken up and then another when I got up then the left side of my chest started aching and the Dr on call said I should take a break so I don't stress my heart and to make sure the chest pain had nothing to do with the transfusion. I slept okay but the bed is so not comfy even though I had it at cardiac position ie the place where my head and torso would be were elevated higher than the rest of the bed. I started moving gradually when we got upstairs and I gave myself a bath and changed my tank top to a black camisole, I brushed my teeth as well and then I pooped too :D and in the process I tried to pee, not planned or intentional, and by Allah it was a nightmare! Painful and blood stained urine! I just thought to myself I have ruined my urethra let's hope it's not serious. I observed the urine bag and the catheter transported urine as usual with no blood stain in it, Alhamdulillah. I asked them to please remove the catheter and they asked if I can move without support  I  said yes I could so either Saturday or Sunday, it was taken out and with a bit of force by the nurse, for it really hurt me. The piece that was inside looked shrunken and kinda worn-out. It spent a very long time inside without change. I'm going to check if there's a time limit for this cos its kinda dangerous, one can easily get infected that way. When I wore my under pants I would feel something warm dropping out of me so I checked with tissue and saw it was blood. Oh dear Lord! How? Why? But I didn't say anything just yet, maybe it would stop. But it didn't and the worst part was it had a smell and my lower abdomen and urethra hurt a great deal while peeing I became very worried over it and concluded but prayed that it should not be VVF!  Even when I was being discharged and  asked any problem, I said no! Yes please, you're allowed to scold me now but don't yell or shout because I will cry and you will wish you hadn't *straight face*

On the morning of the day I was to be discharged, Monday 9th May, 2016, my femoral cannula fell off while I was leaving the bathroom after having a sponge bath. It just dropped right there close to the toilet and I started bleeding, serious bleeding, all I could think was, "instead of slitting the wrist people should try slitting their femoral vein or whatever it is because all this blood being lost from just the tiny opening of a cannula imagine how much faster the person will lose blood from a slit!" Okay lady, you're losing blood that you need so zone back here and do something; but I couldn't, I was watching my flowing blood form a pool at the base of my left foot and it seems I was in shock but thank God for the cleaner who was in the room and quickly told my neighbor to call for the nurse. Lucky for us the nurse came as fast as I have never ever experienced and she put cotton wool on on it applying pressure on the opening and leading me to my bed. The cleaning lady cleaned me up with my wet cloth and soaked it for me then then moped up the floor. The nurse got out more cotton wool from her pocket put it on the opening and continued applying pressure and it was freaking painful then she raised the leg level high too so that blood won't flow down in excess. Well that was some dramatic series*wipes sweat and finally shuts mouth* we should have more bloody accidents in the hospital *innocent smile*.  I slept after that till the first Dr's came in, medical team and then an hour or less later, the hematology team came up and I was cleared to go and return for follow up the following week on Thursday. 

I love all the haematologist who attended to me, they didn't stress me and they treated me like a patient deserves to be treated!

I still experienced fever at night which after my search on-line turned out to be caused by the urinary tract infection I mentioned earlier and when I told the Dr on my follow-up he said the same thing. I had severe bone aches; from tiniest joint to the longest bone hurt and I could only lay in bed and sleep, had very poor appetite; I'd start eating 4 pieces of poatoes by noon and still wouldn't be none by 18:00hrs, weight was about 43KG and I was in a very dark and exhausting place for a very long time. Now only a few parts of my bones ache; right arm and ribs, I can climb up and down the stairs without wobbling or using help, I've even started running my errands, I feel hungry and eat more, my memory gets better daily (still sucky, it naturally was) and I have been able to compose and type down my stories but I still get tired when I try to do too many things at a time. Although I'm far behind at work and school but I'll take my time and trust in Him who spared my heart and life.

FOLLOW-UP: It was the long stay of the catheter and the forceful pull that injured me a bit but I was still given urine mcs (microscopy culture and sensitivity) test to carry out and the result showed no growth. I was given Augmentin, Vitamin C and advised to take cranberry juice (highly rich in Vitamin C) so my urethra can heal and to also drink lots of water for when I'm dehydrated and go to urinate it'll cause me so much pain (very true). Still on my analgesics and routine drugs and to return for a second followup on 31st May.

Y'all stay safe, happy and be very health conscious. Thank you